A New Year

I like to use the New Year as a starting point each year. I do like to make a resolution to change something each year because the 1st always seems ideal. I have a few goals for 2011 because the year of 2010 started out as an amazing year and quickly took a turn for the worst year. It can't get much worse than this right? Well since June 17th I have tried to imagaine how my situation could be worse. Sadly It's what helps me stay strong because no matter what someone, somewhere else is in a deeper hole than I am. I have done my best to count my blessings even during the most trying period of my life and its what keeps me going.

My goals:
1. To make these "La Belle Vie" Blog posts less sad... to post more pictures and make people want to read what I have to say and not be emotionally drained after reading.

2. To meet a million people on the road (well maybe not a million, but a lot).

3. To be a Christian example to others. I fall short often but feel like through Tysons death I have become closer to God and my faith. The Associate Pastor at my church sent this link out for reading plans to start the year off and I choose

to download the plan to read chronologically. I have so much to learn and will have a ton of downtime each day.

4. To find happiness of sorts. I guess to just be happy with all my decisions and to live life to the fullest. Never have any regrets and to grow as a person. To be aware that I will stumble and fall short, but to just get back up, put my big girl panties on and deal with it!

5. To get in shape! Again, I will have a ton of downtime so there are no excusses. I healthy body translates to a healthy mind. On my hardest days I have wanted to just throw on some running shoes and go but stangely have been too busy for too much of that in 2010.

I load out all the show merch on Sunday night and fly out with Ashley by my side on Monday. I am excited to start this new chapter in my life but deelpy saddened by everything I will miss out on in 2011 back at home. I know that God has set this path for me and I need to follow it as hard as it is. Don't forget to come visit us in any city you want to come see on our tour. We will save a place for you on the floor of our hotel room :)

2010 has been made easier with the help and love of God, The love of my life Tyson (who I have found that each day I find new eveidence that he is STILL taking care of me), my loving family who have carried me through this year, my amazing friends who have been nothing but understanding and patient with me, and strangers who have been supportive and generously praying for our entire family. Thank you to all of you!

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.





One last thing...

In the months after Tyson died I have debated and prayed and thought about a tattoo. Well as you may know Tysons big brother Timmy got one a few months after Tyson died. Seeing how he choose to honor Tyson made me want one even more but I decided to wait a little while and make sure its what I truly wanted. Two days before the 6 month anniversary I went down to the tattoo shop and did it...






Tyson is a huge part of who I am now and I wanted to have something to always remember him by. I choose "TwenTy" just like Timmy has because 20 was Tysons football number and capitalized the last "T" to make "Ty" standout. Then I added purple puzzle piece around it. Tyson loved puzzles, I think its because he liked to take something all jumbled and confusing and make it nice and neat, he loved to be challeneged - I even gave him puzzle piece cuff links the day of our wedding.





I also like to think of our lives as a puzzle and we slowly find pieces to make it complete. Tyson has added so many pieces to my lifes puzzle but there will always be one missing for him as well. I also added the lyrics to one of his favorite songs "Carrying your love with me". Its a Geore Straight song that we used at the funeral, and it seemed so appropriate now that I am leaving and going on the road. No matter what I do or where I go, I will carry his love with me.












Dont worry mom I think Im done with Tattoos... for now :)

Happy New Year to all!

When I Get Where I'm Going

I wanted to share a song that I have heard many times since Tyson passed away. I heard it before he died I just think its more obvious now since it means something totally different to me now.

I really do feel like if Tyson knew he was going to die before that day or could talk to me now this song expresses what he would feel...





I miss you Stinky... 100%

The Woman who started the Widows Voice blog had this as her status a few days ago and I wanted to share:

When the grief roller coaster intensifies it can be difficult to count your blessings...do it anyway. Especially during the holiday season when you miss what was and can't imagine what will be. Hope springs from the smallest act, the smallest effort to believe that the sun will shine...again. You can do it.

Just what I needed to hear. The last few days have been pretty difficult. On top of my angst for the holidays I have been slowly packing the house up to put it all in storage. Wednesday, Tysons family came over and we got a big bulk of it done. I only get one luggage bag to take with me on the road, so everything had to go, right down to the kitchen sink. Paking all of our things into boxes seemed so depressing.

Then it came time for his clothes. I left everything hung in the closet and in his drawers over the past few months. I didn't want to strip it all out because then it would feel so empty. Thats the last thing I needed was to walk into my closet and see a big empty area next to all of my things. We all kind of stood there for a minute affraid to start. We all shared a few tears and I left the room. Im thankful for his family, though it was hard for them, who took all of his things from his dresser and hangers and put them into bags. We could not bare to throw anything out so they are in bags until the day we feel strong enough to sort through it. I went and focused on something else for a while then came back. Someone went through and spread my things out over the entire closet. It didn't seem so harsh that way. The closet still looked full which was so much easier to look at than the emptiness that I had expected to see.

Thank you.

So back to the quote above. My grief roller coaster is at its loopiest. There are twists and turns and high-highs and low-lows. Last night I sat back and thought about my blessings...

I have an amazing support system of family and friends. Always just a phone call away and ready to step in when I need them. Most people don't have this type of support and I know right there I am the most blessed person around. I have a job that allows me to travel the country with a friend and see places most people never have the time to visit. The hugest blessing there is the fact that I have a job during these hard economic times. I have food and shelter, im not out on the street. I have clothes on my back and judging from all the clothes I moved out of my closets and drawers, I never need another piece of clothing. I live in America where I am free to believe in my God and practice the religion that I choose. I heard recently someone say that being born in America is like winning the lottery, we are already a head of the rest of the world because of where we are born.

This list could go on and on but the point is that even in my darkest days I am looking for hope and the up-side. Some days its very hard to see and some days I feel so blessed just to be alive. The true definition of an emotional roller coaster right there.

Two more blessings this week! Nicole, a friend from high-school, welcomed her first child this week. Little Dylan was born Thursday at 5 lbs, 10oz and all of us are excited to meet the little "nugget" :) Also my other high school friend Mary Beth got engaged last night! Let the wedding planning begin. Congratulations to you both I am so excited for what the future holds for both of you. Proof right there that life still has good things to offer and joy can still exist.

The Holidays

Well its in full swing, just like it was in full swing early November (Ugh), The Holidays. I knew they would be hard, our family has been hearing it since day one. Birthdays, anniversaries and the holidays. Thanksgiving came and I was happy to see out of state family and be with them. But I just couldn't pull it together. Being home just made it that much more obvious that he wasn't there. I had offers to do other things with friends and family but I knew no matter where I was, it wouldn't feel right. Ive felt strong this entire time but once thanksgiving came, I've felt unraveled. I have always loved the holidays and even started listening to Christmas music the day after thanksgiving last year. This year I have helped other by putting up someone else's decorations or doing holiday crafts with friends, but I can't even conceive of opening my red and green storage boxes and pulling out our decorations.

BAH FREAKIN HUMBUG

We started a tradition 5 or 6 years ago where Tyson and I would make a few decorations a year so that when it came time to get married our tree would be full of ornaments that had meaning. Last year I had that joy of decorating our first tree with all those fun ornaments. I loved to invite people over to see the tree that we slowly created over the years. All red, white and silver colored along with ornaments we picked up along the way from trips and as gifts. Neatest idea for a couple who are just starting out worst idea for a grieving widow. Those ornaments and other decorations get to stay in the box this year and possibly for the next few years.

Then there's The Angel. It's made out of Styrofoam, pipe cleaners yarn and markers. Tyson made this angel with he was a little boy and it has had its perch on the top of the tree since he first brought it home from school all those years ago. He loved to point it out to everyone " look who's angel is at the top of the tree" even last year at 27, there it was and he was still showing of his craftsmanship and that it was still in one piece. It's an ornament that belongs on a mothers tree is what I always reminded him, Im sure Veta wouldn't have given up even if I asked :) ill keep my Home Goods star topper is what I told him last year. This year I knew it would make us all a bit emotional, but I came over and decorated Vetas tree like I always do and she placed Tysons angel on the top to watch over us this year. Tyson would want that Angel up on the top of that tree for all to see, It was a little emotional but we wouldn't have it any other way. He is our angel afterall...


In order to make it "through" the holidays I'm working all week leading up to Chrsitmas and flying Christmas morning to meet Tysons immediate family in Mexico. I think this will be the best thing for all of us. Something so out of the ordinary is what we all need right now. Continue to pray for us...

The New Job

So I've heard the question a few times this week... "Do you like the new job?" I guess it never occurred to me that I had a choice. From the day I made the decision to jump into this adventure I just knew I had to make it work. I needed this so badly. I needed something new and different, and I had already committed, I needed this to work out and to succeed. Turns out I like it a lot, lucky for me. In the back of my mind I knew whatever was meant to be would be and if I sucked at this job then I would get fired... so what? Life is too short to be stuck in a job you hate or aren't good at just because its there. I guess June 17th taught me a lot and has helped me grow in so many ways, because those are not words I ever thought would leave these lips. God has a plan for me and one day I'll know what it is. I don't stress on finding the answer now or trying to understand today, I sure don't need that stress in my life. Instead I live each day like its my last and hope not to make anyone mad at me along the way. I feel like I have sort of become this free bird, flying in the wind, with no direction. For the first time in my life I am wandering aimlessly and it doesn't seem to matter.

As for the job, yes I like it. Its just hard enough to be challenging and its also just easy enough that I don't feel stressed all the time. I get to talk to new people everyday and deal with a handful of people who I wish would leave me out of their bad day, because I sure don't bring them into mine. Boy would that shock someone if we got into a discussion at the merch booth about who deserves more sympathy. That might quite down the people who complain about the most ridiculous things to me. I get to eat at a bunch of new places and have recently been able to discover the great big and scary city known as Downtown L.A. Turns out its not so bad and I have been dying to take my camera with me to work and get some pictures. I could do without the hours that we work while we are here in town but once we are on the road Im pretty sure they will work better for me.

I ship out to Denver on January 3rd and am looking forward to re-discovering the city I didn't care much for just a few weeks ago during training. Hopefully this time will be different.

Here is the cities we will be visiting and the dates we will be there. If you will be in any of the cities at the same time send me a message and lets meet up!

http://www.nexttonormal.com/tour_tickets

How to be Thankful

Here is a post I read a few days ago from the blog I read on a regular basis. Kinda says exactly what I'm feeling today.

Widow's Voice: How to be Thankful.: "I just returned home from dinner out with the kids. It's a nice rainy night, and we were all so warm and cozy inside the restaurant. It wa..."

It happened just a few hours ago. I was in the lobby of the theater here in Denver. I was scanning the room like I do everynight, looking for someone who is interested in buying the stuff I'm selling. A couple walked up, young, maybe early to mid 20's. I did a double take... my heart stopped and I almost leapt over my booth. He looked like him. I wanted to say something but what? "Hi! Sorry to ruin your date, but you look just like the love of my life". They asked how much something was and I told them. I don't know what they asked about or if I told them the right price, but they walked away, obviously not interested in paying the price. I tried to track him down and watch what he was doing, did he have his mannerisms, did he sound like him? He kept coming into my line of sight, but I could only ever see him from behind. I lost sight of him when the show started.

At intermission I looked for him. I was walking around and selling and smiling at everyone I saw but still looking for him out of the corner of my eye. With a couple minutes left of intermission, I saw him again. He had the eyebrows, the longer hair and a similar build. That's it though, the more I looked the less he looked like him. He didn't have the "butt" chin with the deep cleft, or his nose or his perfect smile. He did look similar though and it was enough to get my heart racing at the thought of seeing him.

Since the day of the accident I knew he was gone. It never felt like I would see him again or like he was on a trip and he would come home in a few days. It always felt like he had died that day and there was nothing that was going to change that. Today, just a few hours ago, I forgot all of that for a split second. It was hard... I got misty eyed in that lobby. Life was all better for a second and just like that it was gone again.

I think the last few weeks have been more difficult than I had originally thought. I see couples out on dates and I feel a slight paign of jealousy, I don't get to do that with Tyson anymore. I see a family coming in to the theater to watch the show, and it hurts to know we will never have children and get to have a family outing. I see elderly couples coming in to enjoy the show and think I don't get to grow old with Tyson.

Tomorrow marks 5 months without him. I can honestly say at this point time heals and it is getting easier. I can go longer periods during the day without thinking about him, or the accident. My focus is getting better and get through most things without feeling sad or upset.

I hear that I'm strong from people all the time and that I'm an example and that people are watching me. I do want people to know that I have bad days. I'm very good at breaking down in my own time and having those personal moments all to myself. Today I got misty eyed in public and it sucked. But it means I'm human too. I do break down and I do miss him with all of my heart. Somedays I know there's hope and life will continue and some days I can't imagine going on without him. Im having lore good days than bad so no worries, I'm defiantly not suicidal or on a downward spiral. I'm just grieving and sharing this roller coaster with who ever wants to read it. Even if nobody ever read any of these posts, I'm glad I writing them so I can look back on the road I have traveled. This was not a well organized post at all and I apologize to anyone who tried to follow along. It's been a long few weeks and I just opened this post and started writing.

Thanks for all your love and support.

Its not hard, just different...

Traveling with someone new has been an adjustment. Not that my new travel partner is difficult, Tyson just took such good care of me before and I was spoiled, just ask his family. Amber does a great impression of Tyson, "hey sweetie", "sure sweetie", "let me get that for you sweetie". That make other people wanna gag type stuff. When we traveled, even on our honeymoon, he would hold onto our travel stuff and as soon as we would get to security he would hand me my passport and boarding pass. As soon as I would get through security he would take it back until we got to the point of boarding the plane. Then out would come my passport and boarding pass. He would always know which gate to go to when we came out of security and say "our gate is this way sweetie". I would usually overpack and he would always be trying to carry my bag, his bag and probably a niece or nephews bag as well, when we traveled with family. He was superman you know, with superhuman strength and so helpful and thoughtful.

As we left a little over a week ago things were different. Alone my bag sat at the front door with no other suitcase or backpack. The pile was missing a staple Orange bag, he has several to choose from. We drove to the Van Nuys Flyaway, something we had done countless times together. The last time I was there he was there and we just left our wedding weekend and we were on our way to the honeymoon. Tyson got in line and purchased our tickets for the bus last time, but this time my daddy jumped in line and got Ash and I our tickets, thank you dad, I needed that. We said goodbye and off we went. I think I was too tired that morning to cry but so much raced through my head. Mostly all the times before I had sat there on that bus to LAX excited for a trip, I was just as excited this time just had that bitter/sweet taste that has consumed much of everything the past few months.

We made it to the ticket line at the airport and I went up up when the lady said "next". I don't think I've ever stood at an airport ticket booth by myself. It wasn't hard just different. Then came the security check point. I pulled out my own ticket and my own I.D., went through and quietly put it in my backpack until I would need both to board the plane. We made our way to the gate and sat down to wait for our turn to board when I would pull that boarding pass and I.D. out all by myself. It wasn't hard, just different. Turns out that I'm can do it on my own and I'm pretty good at navigating my way through the airport. I guess I had a good teacher.

I've had to do a lot of big kid stuff the past few months. It's been such a djustment but Tyson really set me up and taught me so much before he died. I don't think anything is too hard or out of my reach its just different and I'm learning to do it one day at a time.








Boy do I miss that man...

Yesterday was our first full day in Oklahoma. We were set to meet the manager for the show we would be training for here in Oklahoma City at 10. It's about a 25 min walk from our hotel to the theater so after we hit the continental breakfast (woo hoo free food). We set off on the days adventure. Ashley and I were less than pleased with the distance but I also think its kinda nice to get in some exercise after all the food we ate in NYC. We met up with Alex and his girlfriend Paige who are co-managers for the Shreck tour. We got there in time to help them set up the bother help load in all the merch. It was a busy day. We stopped to eat lunch down the street and dinner with the cast and crew of the show. We met the understudies for Check and Donkey and the woman who is the voice of the dragon. We had to go past the stage and through the backstage area to get to dinner. It was really neat to see how many people it takes to make the show work. Shreck is in makeup for 2 hours before the show starts. There were about 20 wardrobe booths and 6 makeup people if I had to guess plus all the props and backdrop stuff. It's Def not a small production.

Well with all that going on for the show the merch booths have about 30 different items to sell. The show started at 7:30 so the doors opened at 6:30 for people to come in to begin their purchases and hang out before the show starts. I was a cash seller and I was supposed to walk around selling shreck and Fiona head bands as well as the color programs. Ashley was in a booth selling the same along with cd's. We sell before the show, during intermission and walk out as everyone is leaving. I did pretty good and sold about $500, which I've been told is very good for a walking cash seller. Ashley and I switch tonight and she gets to walk around while I sell at the booth so wish me luck.

So we got to the theater at 10 in the morning and left around 11 that night. We were exhausted when we got back to the hotel. So basically today was our sleep in day and we don't have to be to the theater till tonight at 5. So far its been really educational and we are learning a ton of stuff. Our show will not be as big as shreck but its good to train with a big show so that when we do our small show it will seem more manageable.

Remember I was complaining about no toilet seat covered in New York? You gotta see my short video about what I saw at the Oklahoma City airport on my face book. I've never seen anything like it in my life! Have a great day "Y'all"!

Once you choose hope, anything is possible - Christopher Reeves

Imagine

Ashley and I are learning so much. Since we started training on Wednesday we strangly feel very confidant in ourselves that we will be able to handle this. Since the first day I, myself, have a had a strange re-assurance that everything would be fine and we were going to do well. Don't get me wrong this job is not rocket science but there is always the anxiety and stress for a new job and how well you will do. Especially this time, so much more is riding on this one. This could potentially be bad for Ashley if I screw up or vice versa. However I know in my heart what will be, will be, and everything will work out how it should. I put on my big girl panties everyday and just deal with life as it comes my way. I have been given many gifts and blessings since Tyson passed away and one of them is the ability to pick myself up and keep on going. There are days I stay down on the ground longer than others but at the end of the day I still get back up.

A little update about our day yesterday... we started by taking the subway down to the Dakota, I believe that's how you spell it. It the home of John Lennon and ultimately where he was shot. Ash is a major Beatles fan so this was a huge check off her list. Standing there I had to think of his wife Yoko and how we have that very annoying similarity, the title of widow. I love the title because it means Tyson was once mine, but it also means I lost him as well.

From there we moved to Central Park to Strawberry Fields which was Johns favorite place in central park. Yoko bought some land a few years ago and had a piece of it dedicated to him. On the walkway there is a mosaic with the words "imagine" in the center... ya... imagine :)

From there we walked through central park for probably close to an hour and didn't even see all of it. We both agreed it was our favorite part about New York. It's really breath taking especially in the fall. We started getting hungry and found a cute deli to eat at. I got matzo ball soup, hitting my Jewish roots. Ashley was set to work on Next to Normal and I had the night off so I helped her sell during selling periods and snuck into the back of the theater and watched the first part of the show up until intermission. It is really deep and heavy and not for everyone, but I actually liked it. I did get a wee bit emotional watching one scene so I put off watching the 2nd half until we are on tour so that I dint get red eyed for my time here in NYC.

After work Ashley and I took the subway to meet up with an old high school friend who is here in New York with his girlfriend going to school. We sat in their appt and talked for a long time. Discussing just about everything before they took us to this great little fondue place close to their appt. We stayed till for a little while and then they helped us hail our first NY cab. This cab was no ordinary cab ride, it was Cash Cab! Well... not really, but he drove like an animal, ran a red light, sped way too fast in a tunnel under central park and may have run over a cat... it was touch and go there for a minute but we made it home alive.

Today is our last full day here and we decided not to run the nyc marathon this year. We don't want to show anyone up with our skills. We did offer to work the show Rock of Ages so that we could watch it. Other than that we don't really have plans so we are probably going to just take it easy and pack up our nyc bags to prepare for good ole Oklahoma.

New York State of Mind

Well we made it. We've been in New York since Tuesday evening and I feel like we are getting a pretty good feel for the city. Our first night we landed at JFK and jumped into a cab. It's a flat rate fee for them to take you into the city which is 55$ which includes the toll road fee and then we tipped him a couple bucks. I received an email on my phone saying that our boss had a meeting till late and couldn't meet us until a little bit later. We were instructed to leave our baggage with the door man at the building until he could let us in. The email made a few suggestions for dinner and we went to the closest which was an Irish Pub a few blocks up. Ashley and I sat at a table by the front window and ordered some food. We were starving after a long day of traveling. I had corned beef a cabbage and she had bangers and mash. Both were really good, I think mine was the best that I've ever had. We finished and still had some time to burn so we just walked around a little bit. The hustle and bustle and business really caught my attention. Everyone is on their way to something important, at least it seems that way. Also ashley and I noticed the trash on the sidewalks. What's that all about? We were told by the doorway that everynight is trash night and it looks like that everyday... weird.

My boss made it to the appt. to let us in and to explain how everything worked and what we needs to know. It's a really nice appt on the upper westside on 86th street. We are within walking distance of Central Park. After he left we had our freak out moment about how cool all of this was and ho lucky we are to be experienceing all of it. We decided to hit the hay because after all of the days nervousness and excitement we were both exhausted.

Wednesday we didn't have to meet our boss/supervisor until noon so we got ready and set out on the city. after receiving tons of directives and had them repeated we set out for the subway system which is only 2 blocks away. We paid for a two way pass and set out for Times Square this is the stop we get off to go into the office which worked out perfect for us to see some sights before going in to meet with HR. We sat down and filledbout some paperwork and discussed for a while the description of our jobs and what not. From there Meredith walked us down to one of the shows we do merchants for called Promises Promises. It stars Kristin Chenowith, Sean Sean Hayes, and Molly Shannon. This was Ashley show for the night to train with. Mine was a few blocks away and I would be working on Elf the musical. Funny how I was trying to avoid Christmas this year and I get placed at a Christmas musical in November. We still had time to turn between that time and the time we needed to be back at the theaters to work so ashley and I walked, ate, walked, ate some more and did some more walking. Finally it was time to head to our shows and get working for the night. I met Megan, who happens to be Meredith sister, and is the meet h manager for Elf and my boss for the night. I was given the job of cAb seller and it was my job to walk around before the show, intermission and after the show to sell Elf hats. There is a baseball cap and an Elf logo Santa hat. The whole night people either found it worth the coat or said "I'm not paying that much for a Santa hat!" I sold 7 hats, which I heard was decent considered we haven't officially opened yet. Ashley and I met after our shows were done and rode home on the subway. We accidents tool the wrong one and instead of dropping us off a few blocks away it took us a more than a few blocks away. Our feet were dying and we were tired so we went thrilled about out bonehead move, but we just started walking and observed the city at night and all its wonder. We made it back and basically jumped in bed. Our first full day in the big city had it all. Walkjng, adventure, time square, food, meeting new people, excitement, and memories.

I'm not going to post daily about everything we do because that would get old, even for me. So ill let you know the highlight from Thursday. We woke up around 9 and we were so tired and because it was raining we decided brush best way to spend the day was resting so we diet get burned out. So we both fell back to sleep till about 1. We got up, enjoyed the awesomness that is: The Five Napkin Burger. It's a burger as big as your head, ark maybe not that big, but pretty big. I was placed with Elf again and Ashley was placed with the show we will be working on: Next to Normal. I was selling hats like I was the night before but this time instead of them in a laptop bag slung over my shoulder I got to have an official red and green.box (like the cigar girls used to carry). When I was standing at the doorway I had my first famous sighting. Chelsea Clinton! I'm told after a while you see so many it becomes so unexciting but for now it was kinda cool. She did not buy one of my hats :(

It's now Friday morning and Ashley and I don't have to be anywhere till 7 tonight. We are hoping if the rain clears up we can see the statue of liberty and ground zero among a few other things. Please please please excuse all the mistakes as I am updating from my phone and its not easy to type all this out on a 2inch by 4 inch screen. Most of the pictures are on my Canon and I have no way of getting them off for now so pictures will have to wait till I'm home in November.

I think of Tyson any time I see something I thing he would think is cool and every time I see a group of teenagers who are obviously on a field trip. Tyson came to the east coast in high-school with his classmates and NY was one of their stops. As most of you know Tyson would get sick and throw up regularly and on the day thy were to go to the Statue of Liberty he was too sick to go. I don't remember any of the things he actually did but I do remember the one thing he missed and I'm excited to do that for him...

La Belle Vie or not La Belle Vie

I have been debating on changing my blog title and web address to apply more to my life as it currently stands. You see my cousin Natalia came up with the name for this blog when it was solely for photography. La Belle Vie Photos, The Beautiful Life Photos. The goal was to post my pictures and allow people to see the beautful world through my camera lens.

With how my world has changed in the past few months and losing the love of my life, my world and life doesn't feel beautiful. Im not trying to be dramatic, its just really not the same. I really lost a sense of security the day Tyson passed away. I always thought it was weird when girls were scared to be home alone or affraid of scary movies or scared of the dark. I used to stay home alone when my parents went out of town and watch scary movies by myself. Now... It makes me anxious to watch the news because Im affriad of becoming paranoid and thinking about what could happen. The month after the accident my brother came and installed motion sensor lights around the perimeter of the house. Just try getting close to my house without the whole neighborhood knowing! I have my neighbors numbers written down close by if I hear something or get scared. I get awoken by strange noises so easily, most often its just my dog tossing and turning in her bed right outside my door. I think the reason I never felt scared before is because Tyson was always a phone call away, while we dated and laying right next to me while we were married. Even if he was out of town I felt safe knowing if anything happended to me he would avenge me and track down the person who hurt me. I little but fairy taleish but its how I felt.

I know my fellow christians are saying, just pray, God will protect you. Easier said then done. I rely on God for a lot and I feel much closer to him since Tyson passed away, but the whole security thing may take a while to get back. I'm being patient and trying not to rush it, and I dont let it restrict me in any way but its just there.

Another reason this world feels less beautiful is that it lacks Tyson and his AMAZING smile. That smile is capable of so much, you have no idea. It had a way of brightening days and making people feel good. He would flash at someone who didn't know him and they would instantly know they made a new friend. All the comments, notes, letters, and messages we received after he passed away, I would say at least 80% made a comment about his smile. Its the number one thing I miss. When I look at a picture Iam fine when I look at it as a whole. When I focus on just his smile and the crows feet that went along with it, I tend to lose it.

After much thought I've decided to keep the name La Belle Vie. My life has a few beautiful things right now that I can't deny. A few of them are: Gods Grace (when I know I don't deserve it), the love of my family, a chance for a fresh start, great friends, security in other ways, and the ability to continue to take pictures of others beauty. Eventually their beauty will be mine I just have to wait for it.




I wanted to share a blog with you that has provided me with lots of comfort over the past few months. I was hesitant to read it for the first few weeks because of its subject "widowhood". That word was soooooo hard the first few times I heard/used it. However I like to read about the hope and the struggles people in my position are going through. Even if you choose not to read it I hope you remember it and share with someone who will need it one day because everyone needs to know they are not alone.
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/

An update on my life

Today is another anniversary. I have been working at my job for exactly 1 year. Little did I know that my life would be going in the direction so drasticly different just one year later. I am so grateful for this job and the supportive people I work with. My sister in law, Corinna, called me a year ago and offered me a job at her screen-printing company. At first I was hesitant, I went to school to be a teacher afterall and this was an office job. Since teaching was amazingly slow last year due to budget cuts I decided to take the job, see where it took me and I figured if a teaching job came along I could take it. Corinna knew that was a possibility as well too. I was signed as a full time employee and was given benefits on January 1st and was able to add Tyson as well, which was such a blessing for our growing family. A job with benefits, AWESOME! Then Tyson passed away, and everyone we know was so supportive and helpful, including my coworkers who stepped in and pulled my weight for the two weeks I was off as well as the past 4 months that I have slowly been healing. They have been and ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and understanding when I just need a minute to breathe.

About a month and a half ago the owners of our parent company in New York were in California for meetings. One of the owners who I have only met 2 or 3 times sat down next to me and asked me how I was doing. He has to do that right? Im an employee who has just gone through the hardest thing anyone could deal with. I thought to myself... Should I tell him the truth... that I get through the day because of how everyone around me is amazing and so supportive. I don’t get through the day based on a prayer and a deep breath. I get through the day because people that I love, tell me they love me and check on my with a simple text that says “how is today going?” or “I was just thinking about you – just wanted you to know”. I get through the day because people let me tell them about Tyson and all his quarks, all the fun we had in the years we dated and the gift I had for 9 months of being married to my best friend. I talk about him likes he is still here which I fear is hard for others but brings me comfort. Of coarse, im sure I responded with “Im doing well, thank you for asking”. Then he made me an offer… he reminded me that we have shows (plays) all over the world and If I needed some time away from life here in Simi it is an option. As soon as he said the first few words I’m pretty sure I stopped listening. In my mind I was already responding NO, I cannot leave my family and friends, my support and the people I support. We finished our conversation and I thanked him for the offer and I went on with my day.

Later that night I was getting my hair done and I was sitting under the dryer and I was thinking of all my friends. My friend Ashley had just told me she wanted to get to London and live for at least a year. How can I help her? How could I help her live her dream? Then I remember my boss and his offer… we have shows in London too… I wonder… I called Ashley and asked her if any of this would be something she would want to. Of coarse she said something along the lines of “YES”!!!, “Oh my goodness I wanna pee my pants”… I knew she would be willing to try it and it would be a life changing experience for me as well. Over the next few days/weeks I presented my boss with the idea of me AND a friend going to London to run a show and live there. I said it’s a package deal, I don’t go without her. It turns out it is VERY expensive to sponsor someone for a work Visa to go to London. BUT, if we are still interested and would want to invest some time into our company, London could be an option down the road after we receive lots of training and work our way to that point.

I told Ashley of the development and she was still game. The plan has changed a few times and still could change but let me tell you the gist of it as of now…

In two weeks (well less now, the first week of November), Ashley and I will fly to New York and meet up with our new boss. We will receive training in our New York office and as well as at the Broadway shows my company produces and handles the merchandise for. After the week is up we will fly and meet up with one of the shows we have on tour and go through the load out/load in process. Not sure what that entails yet, but we will see. From there we will fly back to L.A., not sure the dates yet, but we will then be co-managers for a show called "Next to Normal" and will handle all the show merchandise and be the sellers of it as well. Usually they have one manager and he/she hires sellers in each city but my company is making an exception and letting us be co-managers and sell so we don’t have to hire anyone in each city. Its just us two. This show is a traveling show and Its first stop on the tour is L.A. I don’t know much about the show but that it’s a smaller show and very manageable for Ashley and I. Then January 2nd we ship out and go on the road with this show. We will go all around the US and hit many little US cities that most people never think to visit along with some bigger cities as well. We will even get to Canada at one point. The best part is, I get to bring my camera along the way and document all the place I get to visit. I feel like Im going to join the circus!

I am still trying not to get my hopes up even though Ashley was told to put in her two week notice, which she happily obliged to do on Saturday. Ive already spoken to our “tour” boss and this is forsure happening but I’m pretty sure I won’t believe it until I land in New York.

I wanted to share my progress and growth with everyone who has been praying for me and my family. Your prayers are paying off. The broken pieces are slowly coming back together, they are just being re-arrainged a little but. I have bad days and I have good days. Nothing will ever change how I feel about Tyson and our families and friends, so please don't think I am "running away". It is dificult at times to be here in Simi, there are constnat reminders of him everywhere. I am not trying to forget him or ignore the life I had before but sometimes it can be overwhelming. This was not the plan for my life, I had very diferent plans. However, Im excited for this new plan which seems to working out so great. I get to travel, work a new type of job and figure out who the new me is. I cannot tell you how perfectly things have fallen into place to make this happen.

Please, please, please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers. We still have a long road a head of us of tears, healing and eventually the joy we once had will fill our hearts again. I will miss my family and friends and all the familiar faces who have done their best to aide me and fill the new void in my life. Even though I will miss them with all my heart I thank God for internet, phones and Skype :)

Thankful

I am surprisingly thankful these days. With every sadness that I have expereinced this summer I have found little gifts. These gifts will never replace the greatest loss I suffered but they do help some days.

As most of you probably know my husband of 10 months, Tyson, passed away on June 17th. My summer was instantly gone. Here I am on Labor day weekend thinking back to my summer and how painful it was. Thirteen days after we lost Tyson I turned 26. I turned another year older and for the first time in nine years my best friend wasn't there to celebrate with me. A month later on August 1st, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary and then August 13th would have been our 9th anniversary of when we met. Then my nephew broke his collar bone on August 23rd. Lets just say this summer, especially the month of August, SUCKED!

However, I have found so many things to be thankful for. Tyson went with me to purchase my first Digital SLR camera on HIS birthday (March 8th). We agreed it was a very early birthday present for me, thats how he justified this splurge. Even though Tyson wasn't here for my birthday, he already had me covered for my birthday gift. Believe it or not he also justified buying a me a flash in early June, so I'm also covered for Christmas as well. Pretty smart guy, thinking ahead. Im thankful for the pictures I was able to capture of my sweetie as well. He never complained that I shoved my lenses in his face while I messed with the settings and tried to figure it all out.

Here are a few pictures and the stories behind them...

My cousin Natalia agreed to let me take pictures of her son Tae and her with her pregnant belly (my first "shoot"). I was so nervous and wanted it to go well. I told Tyson I was going to go to the field the day before and scope things out and take some test pictures. He insisted on going with me so I wasn't alone. Well naturally he became the subject of my test pictures. I love these pictures... I don't have any others like them of him. So thankful he offered to come with me that day.

(***Side note: The shirt he is wearing is his favorite shirt. I have found dozens of pictures over the years where he is wearing this shirt. It was super soft from years of wearing and washing. Its also the shirt he was wearing the day he passed away.)

We had Tysons nieces, Bella & Olivia, over to spend the night a week before Tyson passed away. This was the first time any of our nieces or nephews had spent the night at the home we gutted and built as a family. We had fun walking Morgan around the block, playing games & puzzles, watching Ice Age and most importantly... vanilla ice cream (Tysons was mostly Whipped Cream). So thankful for this picture that Tysons sister blew up and has in her upstairs loft.

Tyson played Basketball most Wednesday nights with a group of friends. For the first time I brought my camera to one of his games to practice action shots. This game turned out the be his last game as well as his last night here on earth. I took many pictures that game but the one that became and will be forever my favorite picture of him is below. He was watching other players warm up before the game and something made him laugh. It so perfectly him. He laughs with his whole face and body, you can see it in the crows feet he had at 28 years of age. I just love it to pieces... Im thankful that I have the last picture ever taken of Tyson. I took it with the camera he insisted I buy so that I could pursue a passion and love for photography.

I made a personal list of things I am thankful for this summer to help me stay positive in my darkest hours, but these help get me through most days. I love looking at pictures of his smile. They are bitter-sweet, but more sweet than bitter.

First Engagement Session!

Ok so I'm so excited. Photography is just a hobby for now and I'm so excited to continue learning all I can to improve and take better pictures. However, my first real step towards turning this new found love into more than a hobby came recently. A wonderful couple named Jessica and Bruce asked if I would take some engagement pictures. Jessica is a good friend of my cousin Natalia and has the most gorgeous eyes which excited me beyond belief. Bruce was super shy at first and played the whole "I don't know what to do, you'll have to tell me what to do card". By the end of the session he was suggesting poses and really getting into it.

I met with them recently at "The Anti Mall" in Costa Mesa. Its exactly what it sounds like, the opposite of an indoor mall. Its fun and free flowing with tons of artistic decor and fun stores. It even has a store where you can trade in clothes for new ones if you feel like switching up your wordrobe. I took some great shots and I am still sorting through them. I probably over snapped just to make sure I had plenty to work with...

Ill continue to going through them tonight but here are a few...

Letters, letters everywhere...

Alright so I have been slacking. Well I guess its not slacking if you just haven't had the time. Well I have been super busy lately! On top of everything I do regularly I had a photography field trip with my class to the Getty Museum last weekend, Tyson and I went to the Griffith Observatory two weekends ago and I was also able to take some pictures of Baby Eli plus I've been looking letters in everything.

My last photography class assignment was to take pictures of letters all over. Surprisingly addictive and harder than it sounds. I didn't make it to the last photography class so I don't know what this weeks homework is but this coming Tuesday will be the last class. I feel that I have learned so much yet I have sooooooooo much more to learn. I wish I knew more photographers so I could pick their brain, what classes did they take if any? What kind of camera and accessories do they use? Which ones are their favorites? So much to know!

Here are my favorite pictures from recent things Ive been doing...

Baby Eli












The Getty








Letters, letters










I took some pictures today for The Pomegranate Basket and can't wait to see how they look. I hope they turn out great! I will post some soon so you can let me know what you think!

Hey guys just wanted to update you on my photography journey! I have begun part 2 of my photography class. The first week was pretty informative and we talked about what made a photo interesting. For example, the thirds rule. Break a photo up in to equal thirds, and put your subject in between the thirds (at the lines) and your photo will be more interesting. Your eye doesn't work as hard when your subject is smack dab in the middle so we tend to glance at these pictures but not really examine and admire them. There are cases when a photo works with the subject in the middle, and each photo is different. Like when you are trying to show that something has symmetry, you wold center the subject in the middle.


Our shooting assignment for the first class was "Symbols of Power". I wanted to show some of my favorites...


I tried not to go with literal power but more symbolic power which was not that easy. I liked the last one the best and my teacher used it as an example. Its not so much what the subject of the picture is, but its also how I shot the picture. The fact that I am shooting up to the subject gives the subject that much more of a presence of power.



This weeks assignment is to find letters. For example, I zoomed into the tire of the hummer that could be a letter O or if I took a closeup of lattice work I could probably get an X or a T!

The teacher warned us it could become an obsession! Let me know if you find any that are worth having and Ill zip right over to take a picture!

THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE WELCOMES NEW LIFE

The subject for my pregnancy pictures has arrived. Baby Eli was welcomed into this world at 9lbs, 4 oz 21.5 inches long. I could not be happier for Mom and baby as they are both happy and healthy. Im also excited because this means a have a brand new subject to practice on!!! Baby pictures!!!

Also I took a few quick pictures tonight before heading off to my first class in Intermediate photography. I wanted to share with you two pictures:

The first is the very first photo I shot. Not wanting to waste time or prescious baby eyes opening I turned it to Full Auto and the flash ruined it!!! Its not creative or interesting... not baby Eli... the picture in general. This is not why I took a photography class... I WANT MORE!!!


So I turned it to the manual setting, played with the settings for a minute, turned off the flash and got a picture I was much happier with... A little more drama and creativity.... ahhhh much better! This is the type of picture I was looking for :)


Thanks Steph for holding Baby Eli just right...

Alright so here it is... my attempt at blogging as well as my attempt at photography. I am taking a class on Tuesday nights which basically introduces the SLR camera. SLR means "Single Lens Reflex" - this means what you see in the viewfinder is exactly what your picture will show. Sometime when you use a point and click, what you see on the screen or viewfinder is not exactly what your picture shows. Sometimes you get a little bit more picture than you intended to have, sometimes you might get less. The point is with a digital SLR, what you see (in the viewfinder), is what you get (in your picture).

Wow this feels like a mini lesson... the teacher coming out in me.

Other things my class is covering: Exposure (manual & auto), shutter, f-stop, metering, Depth of Field, Motion, Flash, ISO and last but not least White Balance. For some reason she is not talking about White Balance until the last class. Not sure why... but okay!

SOOOOOOO... Natalia (stand up and wave to everyone!) was gracious enough to think of a blog name, LA BELLE VIE (which means "The Beautiful Life" in French) and start a blog for me. As a thank you I offered to take some Prego pictures of her and her adorable son Tae before her future son, Eli, joins us! In no way do I think I am a professional, but I thought I could get some practice with Metering and ISO while taking pictures of my good friend (and cousin). Here are a few of my faves and they are edited using my little friend... PHOTOSHOP! Enjoy...