"Liking" my passion

Its a weird thing to put a passion or a love out there in the world for others to look at and critique. Art is such an interpretive thing and photography is something everyone does quite a bit of, even if its just a point and shoot camera you throw into your purse. I feel like more people have an opinion on pictures because we can all do it to some degree.

When I take a picture, I am doing my best to capture a certain moment in time the way I am seeing it behind the lens. I then put all of those images on to my computer where I slowly decide if I was successful at capturing the same moment I saw the day that I took the picture. From there I decide whats good (in my opinion) and how to change, crop, lighten, darken etc.. I have been doing this on a very small scale for a little over a year for friends and family. I decided sometime this year that I wanted it to be less of a hobby and more of a small business adventure and branch out to people outside of my comfort zone.

Let me tell you, ITS SCARY!!!

My family, is amazing. I have been pushed (in a good way) to continue to follow this dream. Constantly be encouraged to start a Facebook, get a website, write a blog, start a Twitter, what ever I needed to do to get my name out there. So slowly over the past few months I have been doing so. It's the scariest thing to put those pictures out into the world after using my limited editing knowledge and limited picture practice and hope that the pictures are received well by those who see them. Anytime I go to post or send something out, a pang of anxiety rushes over my body. PLEASE LET SOMEONE THINK THEY ARE GOOD. I hope at least one of them is good in their eyes. I then have to walk away and do something for a while that in the hopes by the time I get back to the computer there will be at least one positive comment.

And you know what... there always is! I love that people support me even if its a click of the "like" button under the picture. Its just the tiny bit of confidence that I need to continue.

I'm not sure where my confidence went or if I ever really had any. I'm not sure if its something that Tyson gave me and I lost it the day he died. Was it never really there but I didn't care because I never needed that outside attention? I'm not really sure but either way the positive feedback I have gotten from people over my pictures and my choice to continue with it has been a huge blessing.

Please don't read this and go comment on all of my pictures, that's not what I wanted to achieve by writing this. My point simply is just a thank you for the tiny thoughts and words of encouragement that already exist there. Its all I need :)

LIFE BACK AT HOME

So a lot has changed since my last post from 7 weeks ago. When i wrote it I was still in Toronto, Canada finishing up the end of the tour. The end of the tour wrapped up and Ashley and I had to say goodbye to all of our new friends. It was emotional few days for us both as we hugged our friends with the thought there is a good chance we wont see many of them again. After spending so many months away from home and relying on them to be your friends and family it was a tearful but happy end.

I was happy to be coming home. Still no idea what I was going to do but making the trek to Simi Valley to come home, lay low, and figure things out. The first week was just that, laying low, beginning to think about what would come next, tour again, photography, work back at my old job...

Then it happened. I called my in-laws at work to ask them a question and the secretary told me they weren't there. She hesitated (I'm sure she was scared to be the one to say it after losing Tyson), but she then told me there was another accident and this time it was Tysons brother Timmy. I lost it, the last time I heard "theres been an accident" I lost the love of my life. Every horrible thought ran through my mind. Could this be happening again? God no! Please let him be ok. Please let him live. We can't do this again. The following hours and days were bad. We did our best to remain close to the promise that God is in control and he has a plan, while difficult and life changing decisions were made by his wife. Timmy lost his right hand and majority of his right leg and had a tracheotomy tube in his neck. He had over 400 stitches and several thousands of pieces of carbon fiber removed from his body. He fractured his left foot, tore his MCL on his left leg, suffered 2nd degree burns to a good portion of his torso, right arm and back. He battled infection, fever, and blood pressure issues among countless other issues. He was a very sick man and was in a medical induced coma for several weeks. While he was asleep and most of my family stayed positive I had some of the hardest days. Why God? Why again? Why to Abby, Coby and Cades daddy? Am I bad luck? Is this to punish us? I just couldn't wrap my head around the reason for this happening so close to losing Tysons. There really isn't a good time but I just didn't see why it had to be so soon. I just had to put my big girl panties on a deal with life. I had to put all that aside so that I could help in any way I could. I wanted to help Corinna and all that she was going through, I wanted to help the kids even if that meant just spending the night with them.

When Timmy finally woke up we all held our breath, what was coming next? How would he react? What was he going to say first? Would he be angry? The first thing he said when he looked at his doctor "I want to thank God that I'm alive"! Wow! I just can't tell you how good it was to hear that story. I wasn't in the room to hear it but it was all I needed to hear. He is going to be ok. There are going to be some mountains for him, but hes going to be ok. Since hearing his voice and his positive attitude I suddenly don't need to have my questions answered. It doesn't matter why it just matters that it did and how we can move forward. I have had some of the best conversations in my life with Timmy and in the last few weeks and it sucks that it took him being in the hospital for it to happen but I'm so thankful for them. I'm so thankful that he is here to continue to share stories of Tyson with me. I need to still talk about him and I need to still hear the stories of him however I can get them. God wasn't ready for Timmy in heaven and I think it would be safe to say we defiantly weren't ready for him to go :)

From there I wanted to tell you about a new opportunity that has worked out for me. Knowing I wanted to explore photography more and not sure where to start I emailed an awesome lady named Charise who is a photographer from Simi. I hired here to take "trash the dress" pictures of Tyson and I for our one year anniversary. Sadly Tyson passed away a month and half before we were to take those pictures. I reminded her who I was, what my experience was (not much) and asked if she would mind taking on an intern. She emailed me back when I got home and said there was a good possibility of it! I met with her a few weeks ago and she decided to let me try. I have since been to two engagement shoots and a wedding (my first this past weekend)! I can't thank her enough for taking me under her wing and being so patient with my crazy life and letting my tag along when I can. I have already learned so much and can't wait to see where the future will take me :)


Finally! I wanted to share a video with you all. Someone posted this video on Facebook last year shortly after Tyson passed away. I remember watching it and being amazed at this mans outlook. Life happened yet again and I forgot about this man and the message in this video until I was at the wedding this weekend. He was at the wedding and I was kinda starstruck! His video has been viewed millions of times on Youtube and hes right there in front of me. I think God was sending me a little reminder to watch his video and to remember the message, something we can all benefit from!

Washington D.C 2004 & 2011

In 2004 Tyson's cousin Leif married his wife Janine in Washington D.C., they live in Alexandria, Virginia. As I started taking pictures this time around, I realized that most of these pictures were going to be repeats. I tried to remember back on the pictures I took 7 years before in November. Besides the most obvious change that Tyson is gone I think the visual of the difference in seasons and growth in trees in the back round are kind of interesting. A little bit metaphorical on the changes we experience in life and "seasons" of life as well. I specifically sought out the picture of the one of me and the bench. It was hard but it seemed a very fitting visual of the most drastic change in my life. I needed to do it for me. It was hard and felt horrible making Ashley take the picture knowing Tyson sat there with me years before, but I had to do it... for me. The picture of Tyson and I on the bench was taken by our youngest nephew Cade as a little guy. He was the only standing by us so we made him take the picture of us. You can tell its taken from a low angle.

Also me 7 years later... I look the same but definitely have gained a few pounds and few more grey hair! HAHAHA its true! Maybe not that much grey but there is some. I definitely feel older and wiser for the experiences I have had from then until know. From 2004 to 2011 I have grown as a Christian, graduated college, bought a house, got married and experienced the greatest loss one can feel. 7 years can make you a big kid for sure.

These pictures break my heart and then instantly make me smile. Wow that amazing man loved me and I loved him. We were blessed! How can that not put a smile on my face? But boy do I miss him...

The Next Step

SOOOOOOOO...


I am a strong believer in the idea that things happen for a reason. Some things I understand and some will never be apparent to me while I stand breathing on this earth. The one thing that keeps swinging around in my direction is that the last big purchase Tyson made was a camera for me. This just keeps coming back into my head. He encouraged me to take a class to learn more my camera so that I could improve my skills. I took some engagement pictures for a friend of Natalias and they were so pleased with them that they asked me to do their wedding in July 2010. I never had the chance to do that wedding, Tyson passed away 3 weeks before and I had to ask them to scramble to find someone else... I didn't know what life was going to be like the next day let alone the day of the wedding. I was meant to put photography to the side and focus on me. Focus on surviving a life without Tyson, and focus on me - healing, grieving, and growing. I don't know why Tyson was taken from me or what it means in the scheme of life but one day it will make sense. I was offered a position to tour with a show. This opportunity allowed me to do lots of things. Time to heal, the ability to see the country, a chance to save a little money. As tour is coming to an end I have been thinking about the next step. I had been praying hard in may as I approached my visit home for the layoff so that I would know what to tell people when I went home what was coming after tour. On May 17th (exactly 11 months) after Tyson passed away, I knew. I knew deep down in my heart that I needed to dive head first into photography, I need to learn as much as I can and then somehow turn it into a business. Research, practice, take classes, whatever I need to do to make this work I need to do it. I deserve to follow this dream and see if I can make it a reality. Its scary, and I sometimes don't know where to start. My biggest supporter was Tyson. He held my hand through all my insecurities and short comings and made me feel like I could do anything. Im getting all sweaty just thinking about doing it without him but If I close my eyes and imagine real hard I can see him sitting next me saying, "do it, you'll be just fine". There was a reason I got that camera from him. It would be the first of many steps I needed to take to heal and follow a dream.

When I came home during those two weeks I slowly started telling people about my plan. Guess what! Everyone was my cheerleader. Everyone told me that it was great idea and that I should try it out. I don't know how it's going to work or how Ill make money at first but I know that it will work out... eventually. I don't expect results right away but with time I hope to turn it into something. Im scared and nervous and VERY excited all at the same time. I also want to take some graphic design classes as well so that I can take the techniques Ms. Amy Freisen showed me and possibly start doing Christmas cards for family and friends as well. She did my Save-the-Dates for the wedding as well as my Christmas Card in 2009. Im not opposed to picking up a part time job to help me make ends meet but I know that If I come home and try to juggle a full time job and learn all this stuff it just wont happen. I need to jump in!!! Sink or swim. I can't wait to learn and improve. Here goes...


These are the few pictures I have done over the past year that I either have on my laptop or was able to steal from my Facebook account.

June 2011

Well my last post was prior to the anniversary and I wanted to update everyone. I survived I guess, as best as you can after the crazy year I have been through. Ups and downs, lefts and right, back and fourths. I rented a room for myself on June 16th and 17th so that I could sit. Sit and be sad, sit and think, sit and read, sit and write. I did it all. I kept a sort of journal starting last summer to write down emotions, worries, memories, thoughts and what nots. I sobbed as I read back on all of that and it was great. Everyday I focus on putting my smile on, as well as my big girl panties and dealing with life. I haven't given myself much time to be sad and upset. Since the day of the accident people have been watching my every move. It was nice to not have to do that for one day and to release all that pent up hurt and emotion. Its what I needed and how I needed to spend the day. I could easily spend everyday doing that but why? Who wants to be miserable everyday? Being miserable for this one day was exhausting enough. I would rather live happy and have moments of misery that I can pray through, or think on for a few minutes and then move on from. That's how I've chosen to approach this year. Its worked for me but I know its not for everyone.

I received lots of lots of heart felt messages from everyone and I thank you for those. One of my favorites being from someone who said that through my strength and trust in God, they themselves have become closer to God and become more trusting in him. This person knows who they are and I love them with my whole heart and soul. Thank you for sharing this with me because thats the exact thing someone in pain needs to hear. That they matter and that they have helped to change the heart of one person. Tyson would have died a thousand deaths to bring one person closer to God and so would I. Thank you.

Updates on tour:

I have less than 5 weeks of tour and its starting to sink in. I will have to say goodbye to all the friends I have made on tour. Haven't I said goodbye enough? I try not to think about it too much but the end is nearing and life will change yet again. Man I really HATE change, but the new normal will come and I settle in to that just as easy I'm sure.










Since the two weeks I was home I spent two weeks in Cleveland (first 5 pictures) where the highlights were Cedar Point - which has the scariest roller coasters I have ever been on... like no seriously the SCARIEST, a Cleveland Indians game, and The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. My favorite ride at Cedar Point was the Top Thrill Dragster which goes from 0-120 mph in 4 seconds and shoots you straight up 420 feet in the air then returning to earth at a 90 degree angel. The ride literally last 12 seconds but the anticipation before the ride is killer! Here's a video of the fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPjN7zArwiI











From there I went to Philly(2nd 7 pictures), The City of Brotherly Love, where I had the Chance to Visit Independence Hall, The Liberty Bell, Betsy Ross' House, the place where Benjamin Franklin is buried, Eastern State Penitentiary - The Worlds First Penitentiary, Amish Country and the Greatest of all a true Philly Cheese Steak with cheese whiz and all (magical).













I am currently in Washington D.C. (last 5 pictures) and have a ton of awesome pictures here. We saw Fords Theater where Lincoln was shot, The Capitol, The Lincoln Monument, The White House, I got to celebrate my 27th birthday in our nations capitol as well as the 4th of July in front of the White House watching the fireworks!!!

Who was Tyson?

Where to start… I’m still not sure what I want to say right now… but want to say something. I’ve been thinking about this week for an entire year now and now it’s upon me. So how am I feeling? What am I thinking? What can I say? I don’t really know. Ill just start writing and see what comes out…



June 17th is just a date right? It’s the day that comes after the 16th? And falls right before the 18th. It also happens to be the day that my life was turned completely upside down. I could spell out all the horrible things about that day, when those horrible words “he’s gone” were spoken to me, the follow days which blur together, the day we buried him, the things I miss, the things he and I will never share, the pain in all of our hearts, but most of you who read this probably know or can imagine those truths already. They are hard and they are bad but no one on this earth will benefit from me re-hashing them.

Instead I will focus on the man I love with all my heart. I am indefinitely proud to have called this man my husband, best friend, lover, and teacher. The pride fills my heart and gets me through a lot of days. His love is the kind of love that is enough to get me through a hundred lifetimes. I carry a piece of it each day with me and think often of the song by George Straight that he loved so much “Carrying your love with me”.

Who was Tyson?

Tyson was a man of faith who put God first in everything he did. He could get up on Sunday mornings and look mighty fine in a dress shirt and tie even when I felt too lazy or tired to get up to go. To drag your self out of bed when the person next you looks so warm and cozy, since most of us knew how much Tyson loved sleep we know that’s dedication. He equally believed in science and the word of God, which is a hard thing to do. He was able to quote scripture of the top of his head and convey bible stories to others in conversation. He not only believed the word, he lived it, which all of us Christians know, is not an easy thing to do all the time.

Tyson was WICKED smart, like the kind of smart man you read about in history books or magazines, BUT he never made anyone feel dumb. That’s the key to being smart and what I loved most about him. He never held his smarts over any ones head or made them believe that they were any less smart than he. He skipped a lot of school (Go Bruins) at UCLA (sorry Tim and Veta) and made his way over to my house to take me to lunch or to the beach or just watch T.V. with me during the day yet managed to show up to his finals and score in the 90th percentile on most tests. He had a photographic memory and was even kicked out of a casino when he was standing next to his dad and told him he was making a good bet since there was no way the dealer could have an Ace (enter casino security guards to escort young Tyson to the door).

Tyson was athletic. I wasn’t around the days of his great soccer playing years and high school sports but know that he was a great all around player who had the attributes of a star player. He was fast, agile, smart, encouraging of other players, a leader, aggressive, strong, reliable, teachable, and disciplined among many other qualities. All the while, playing with 20/200 vision, making him legally blind in one eye, something he was born with, which affected his depth perception - something you need for sports. He never used it as a excuse or a reason for any shortcomings. He played a friendly game of basketball with some cousins and friends the night before he passed away which provided me with my favorite picture of Tyson. Even though the game became a bit competitive, Tyson could still walk away laughing with a great big smile on his face.





Tyson was a family man. He was my husband for 10 and half months but we dated for 8 years prior to our wedding date. He treated me the way every girl dreams of. From our first date to his last day here on earth Tyson was a loving, kind, emotional when the occasion called for it, thoughtful, gentle, caring, spontaneous, warm, affectionate and devoted. Tyson made me feel beautiful, sexy, and smart - always offering a compliment when I got all dressed up for a night on the town or in my frumpy P.J.s while studying for a test. He never lost his temper or raised his voice at me (and lets face it I’m a girl we can frustrate the heck out of a guy) and was always the first to apologize, teaching me nothing is worth holding a grudge to being angry at because tomorrow is not guaranteed. He was a great son to Tim and Veta and in the latter years my parents, Ellis and Marlene making all four very proud to call him son. He was an amazing brother to Timmy and Amber and eventually their spouses Corinna and Jeremy and most recently my brother Josh. He was the best uncle a kid could ask for to Coby, Cade, Abby, Bella, Oliva and Sophia. My niece Julliette was born several months after Tyson passed away but she will come to know him the way the others know him through stories, pictures, video and memories from the heart. He was a grandson, nephew, cousin, friend and so much more!



He was there when you needed him most, he was the first to cleanup after a big party and the last to leave making sure every last bit was done. He was a coach for his nephews sports teams, the smile you needed to see on a bad day and a hug around the neck when he could see that someone needed it. He could water ski and make any man or woman jealous because he did it with such finesse and jump on the snow ski slopes transferring our envy to a new season. He would sprint to open doors for a person in need, the first to respond to a friend in distress and the patience to sit and listen to their troubles. He would take the shirt off his back, even for an enemy (which I’m not sure even existed). He was a camp counselor/father to the young members of the CCC Wagon Train trips to Hume Lake. He was Sunday school teacher, and he served on our church elder board. He was the builder of our first home, and a scientist. He loved Tea with his mom and watching B flick movies with his dad. He loved and adored the ground his big brother Timmy and equally admired and adored his big sis Amber or as he called her often Amb. He loved Dr. Pepper and Coke. Hot Tamales, Juju Fruits, and Chocolate covered doughnuts. He adored his chubby little Bulldog Morgan and took pride that his first car, a 2001 Lexus was still running after all the miles he put on it commuting to school at UCLA (he loved that car and planned on driving it till the wheels feel off).

He was all of this and much much more.

He is our Tyson and we miss him dearly. Our lives are forever changed because we knew him and because we lost him. He taught us so much in life and taught us some of the greatest things in his death. One of the most important being: Live life with NO REGRETS.



I spoke to his brother Timmy tonight and I said… “Its just a date right? June 17th is just another day on the calendar right?” he responded with “Ya, your right... I’m going to try not to think of it as such a bad day, but as a good day. I’m going to try and see it as what it really was, God called him home because his work here on earth was done. Tyson lived such a awesome God honoring life that God said, “you did it! Your reward is heaven." ”

As Christians our reward is heaven. So we should be happy for him, he is done with pain and heartache. We grieve for us, ourselves who are left behind with the pain and sadness we feel over his loss and that’s ok too, because losing Tyson was, is and always will be a very difficult thing to except. The idea is still foreign and will be the rest of my days on earth.




On the 17th I am turning off my phone and will not be checking my Facebook or emails. I plan on having this one-day to my self to reflect and be alone. 364 days this year have been dedicated to being strong and rising from the ashes. On this 365th day I am going to allow myself time to reflect and not feel like I have to put a smile on my face. This day I am allowing myself to just be sad and thats ok.

On the day of the funeral the funeral director spoke and asked us to all share a word that summed up or expressed what Tyson was to us. I think it would be more beneficial for us all to not express their sadness about the situation and how much we miss him but to share your word. It doesn’t matter if someone already said it because each word is unique to you. Lets paint a beautiful picture of Tyson with just one word each!



Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. I know a lot of people have strengthened our family with them and we have continued to feel your love over the past year. Thank you, thank you, thank you.