La Belle Vie or not La Belle Vie

I have been debating on changing my blog title and web address to apply more to my life as it currently stands. You see my cousin Natalia came up with the name for this blog when it was solely for photography. La Belle Vie Photos, The Beautiful Life Photos. The goal was to post my pictures and allow people to see the beautful world through my camera lens.

With how my world has changed in the past few months and losing the love of my life, my world and life doesn't feel beautiful. Im not trying to be dramatic, its just really not the same. I really lost a sense of security the day Tyson passed away. I always thought it was weird when girls were scared to be home alone or affraid of scary movies or scared of the dark. I used to stay home alone when my parents went out of town and watch scary movies by myself. Now... It makes me anxious to watch the news because Im affriad of becoming paranoid and thinking about what could happen. The month after the accident my brother came and installed motion sensor lights around the perimeter of the house. Just try getting close to my house without the whole neighborhood knowing! I have my neighbors numbers written down close by if I hear something or get scared. I get awoken by strange noises so easily, most often its just my dog tossing and turning in her bed right outside my door. I think the reason I never felt scared before is because Tyson was always a phone call away, while we dated and laying right next to me while we were married. Even if he was out of town I felt safe knowing if anything happended to me he would avenge me and track down the person who hurt me. I little but fairy taleish but its how I felt.

I know my fellow christians are saying, just pray, God will protect you. Easier said then done. I rely on God for a lot and I feel much closer to him since Tyson passed away, but the whole security thing may take a while to get back. I'm being patient and trying not to rush it, and I dont let it restrict me in any way but its just there.

Another reason this world feels less beautiful is that it lacks Tyson and his AMAZING smile. That smile is capable of so much, you have no idea. It had a way of brightening days and making people feel good. He would flash at someone who didn't know him and they would instantly know they made a new friend. All the comments, notes, letters, and messages we received after he passed away, I would say at least 80% made a comment about his smile. Its the number one thing I miss. When I look at a picture Iam fine when I look at it as a whole. When I focus on just his smile and the crows feet that went along with it, I tend to lose it.

After much thought I've decided to keep the name La Belle Vie. My life has a few beautiful things right now that I can't deny. A few of them are: Gods Grace (when I know I don't deserve it), the love of my family, a chance for a fresh start, great friends, security in other ways, and the ability to continue to take pictures of others beauty. Eventually their beauty will be mine I just have to wait for it.




I wanted to share a blog with you that has provided me with lots of comfort over the past few months. I was hesitant to read it for the first few weeks because of its subject "widowhood". That word was soooooo hard the first few times I heard/used it. However I like to read about the hope and the struggles people in my position are going through. Even if you choose not to read it I hope you remember it and share with someone who will need it one day because everyone needs to know they are not alone.
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/