La Belle Vie

It happened just a few hours ago. I was in the lobby of the theater here in Denver. I was scanning the room like I do everynight, looking for someone who is interested in buying the stuff I'm selling. A couple walked up, young, maybe early to mid 20's. I did a double take... my heart stopped and I almost leapt over my booth. He looked like him. I wanted to say something but what? "Hi! Sorry to ruin your date, but you look just like the love of my life". They asked how much something was and I told them. I don't know what they asked about or if I told them the right price, but they walked away, obviously not interested in paying the price. I tried to track him down and watch what he was doing, did he have his mannerisms, did he sound like him? He kept coming into my line of sight, but I could only ever see him from behind. I lost sight of him when the show started.

At intermission I looked for him. I was walking around and selling and smiling at everyone I saw but still looking for him out of the corner of my eye. With a couple minutes left of intermission, I saw him again. He had the eyebrows, the longer hair and a similar build. That's it though, the more I looked the less he looked like him. He didn't have the "butt" chin with the deep cleft, or his nose or his perfect smile. He did look similar though and it was enough to get my heart racing at the thought of seeing him.

Since the day of the accident I knew he was gone. It never felt like I would see him again or like he was on a trip and he would come home in a few days. It always felt like he had died that day and there was nothing that was going to change that. Today, just a few hours ago, I forgot all of that for a split second. It was hard... I got misty eyed in that lobby. Life was all better for a second and just like that it was gone again.

I think the last few weeks have been more difficult than I had originally thought. I see couples out on dates and I feel a slight paign of jealousy, I don't get to do that with Tyson anymore. I see a family coming in to the theater to watch the show, and it hurts to know we will never have children and get to have a family outing. I see elderly couples coming in to enjoy the show and think I don't get to grow old with Tyson.

Tomorrow marks 5 months without him. I can honestly say at this point time heals and it is getting easier. I can go longer periods during the day without thinking about him, or the accident. My focus is getting better and get through most things without feeling sad or upset.

I hear that I'm strong from people all the time and that I'm an example and that people are watching me. I do want people to know that I have bad days. I'm very good at breaking down in my own time and having those personal moments all to myself. Today I got misty eyed in public and it sucked. But it means I'm human too. I do break down and I do miss him with all of my heart. Somedays I know there's hope and life will continue and some days I can't imagine going on without him. Im having lore good days than bad so no worries, I'm defiantly not suicidal or on a downward spiral. I'm just grieving and sharing this roller coaster with who ever wants to read it. Even if nobody ever read any of these posts, I'm glad I writing them so I can look back on the road I have traveled. This was not a well organized post at all and I apologize to anyone who tried to follow along. It's been a long few weeks and I just opened this post and started writing.

Thanks for all your love and support.