The New Job

So I've heard the question a few times this week... "Do you like the new job?" I guess it never occurred to me that I had a choice. From the day I made the decision to jump into this adventure I just knew I had to make it work. I needed this so badly. I needed something new and different, and I had already committed, I needed this to work out and to succeed. Turns out I like it a lot, lucky for me. In the back of my mind I knew whatever was meant to be would be and if I sucked at this job then I would get fired... so what? Life is too short to be stuck in a job you hate or aren't good at just because its there. I guess June 17th taught me a lot and has helped me grow in so many ways, because those are not words I ever thought would leave these lips. God has a plan for me and one day I'll know what it is. I don't stress on finding the answer now or trying to understand today, I sure don't need that stress in my life. Instead I live each day like its my last and hope not to make anyone mad at me along the way. I feel like I have sort of become this free bird, flying in the wind, with no direction. For the first time in my life I am wandering aimlessly and it doesn't seem to matter.

As for the job, yes I like it. Its just hard enough to be challenging and its also just easy enough that I don't feel stressed all the time. I get to talk to new people everyday and deal with a handful of people who I wish would leave me out of their bad day, because I sure don't bring them into mine. Boy would that shock someone if we got into a discussion at the merch booth about who deserves more sympathy. That might quite down the people who complain about the most ridiculous things to me. I get to eat at a bunch of new places and have recently been able to discover the great big and scary city known as Downtown L.A. Turns out its not so bad and I have been dying to take my camera with me to work and get some pictures. I could do without the hours that we work while we are here in town but once we are on the road Im pretty sure they will work better for me.

I ship out to Denver on January 3rd and am looking forward to re-discovering the city I didn't care much for just a few weeks ago during training. Hopefully this time will be different.

Here is the cities we will be visiting and the dates we will be there. If you will be in any of the cities at the same time send me a message and lets meet up!

http://www.nexttonormal.com/tour_tickets

How to be Thankful

Here is a post I read a few days ago from the blog I read on a regular basis. Kinda says exactly what I'm feeling today.

Widow's Voice: How to be Thankful.: "I just returned home from dinner out with the kids. It's a nice rainy night, and we were all so warm and cozy inside the restaurant. It wa..."

It happened just a few hours ago. I was in the lobby of the theater here in Denver. I was scanning the room like I do everynight, looking for someone who is interested in buying the stuff I'm selling. A couple walked up, young, maybe early to mid 20's. I did a double take... my heart stopped and I almost leapt over my booth. He looked like him. I wanted to say something but what? "Hi! Sorry to ruin your date, but you look just like the love of my life". They asked how much something was and I told them. I don't know what they asked about or if I told them the right price, but they walked away, obviously not interested in paying the price. I tried to track him down and watch what he was doing, did he have his mannerisms, did he sound like him? He kept coming into my line of sight, but I could only ever see him from behind. I lost sight of him when the show started.

At intermission I looked for him. I was walking around and selling and smiling at everyone I saw but still looking for him out of the corner of my eye. With a couple minutes left of intermission, I saw him again. He had the eyebrows, the longer hair and a similar build. That's it though, the more I looked the less he looked like him. He didn't have the "butt" chin with the deep cleft, or his nose or his perfect smile. He did look similar though and it was enough to get my heart racing at the thought of seeing him.

Since the day of the accident I knew he was gone. It never felt like I would see him again or like he was on a trip and he would come home in a few days. It always felt like he had died that day and there was nothing that was going to change that. Today, just a few hours ago, I forgot all of that for a split second. It was hard... I got misty eyed in that lobby. Life was all better for a second and just like that it was gone again.

I think the last few weeks have been more difficult than I had originally thought. I see couples out on dates and I feel a slight paign of jealousy, I don't get to do that with Tyson anymore. I see a family coming in to the theater to watch the show, and it hurts to know we will never have children and get to have a family outing. I see elderly couples coming in to enjoy the show and think I don't get to grow old with Tyson.

Tomorrow marks 5 months without him. I can honestly say at this point time heals and it is getting easier. I can go longer periods during the day without thinking about him, or the accident. My focus is getting better and get through most things without feeling sad or upset.

I hear that I'm strong from people all the time and that I'm an example and that people are watching me. I do want people to know that I have bad days. I'm very good at breaking down in my own time and having those personal moments all to myself. Today I got misty eyed in public and it sucked. But it means I'm human too. I do break down and I do miss him with all of my heart. Somedays I know there's hope and life will continue and some days I can't imagine going on without him. Im having lore good days than bad so no worries, I'm defiantly not suicidal or on a downward spiral. I'm just grieving and sharing this roller coaster with who ever wants to read it. Even if nobody ever read any of these posts, I'm glad I writing them so I can look back on the road I have traveled. This was not a well organized post at all and I apologize to anyone who tried to follow along. It's been a long few weeks and I just opened this post and started writing.

Thanks for all your love and support.

Its not hard, just different...

Traveling with someone new has been an adjustment. Not that my new travel partner is difficult, Tyson just took such good care of me before and I was spoiled, just ask his family. Amber does a great impression of Tyson, "hey sweetie", "sure sweetie", "let me get that for you sweetie". That make other people wanna gag type stuff. When we traveled, even on our honeymoon, he would hold onto our travel stuff and as soon as we would get to security he would hand me my passport and boarding pass. As soon as I would get through security he would take it back until we got to the point of boarding the plane. Then out would come my passport and boarding pass. He would always know which gate to go to when we came out of security and say "our gate is this way sweetie". I would usually overpack and he would always be trying to carry my bag, his bag and probably a niece or nephews bag as well, when we traveled with family. He was superman you know, with superhuman strength and so helpful and thoughtful.

As we left a little over a week ago things were different. Alone my bag sat at the front door with no other suitcase or backpack. The pile was missing a staple Orange bag, he has several to choose from. We drove to the Van Nuys Flyaway, something we had done countless times together. The last time I was there he was there and we just left our wedding weekend and we were on our way to the honeymoon. Tyson got in line and purchased our tickets for the bus last time, but this time my daddy jumped in line and got Ash and I our tickets, thank you dad, I needed that. We said goodbye and off we went. I think I was too tired that morning to cry but so much raced through my head. Mostly all the times before I had sat there on that bus to LAX excited for a trip, I was just as excited this time just had that bitter/sweet taste that has consumed much of everything the past few months.

We made it to the ticket line at the airport and I went up up when the lady said "next". I don't think I've ever stood at an airport ticket booth by myself. It wasn't hard just different. Then came the security check point. I pulled out my own ticket and my own I.D., went through and quietly put it in my backpack until I would need both to board the plane. We made our way to the gate and sat down to wait for our turn to board when I would pull that boarding pass and I.D. out all by myself. It wasn't hard, just different. Turns out that I'm can do it on my own and I'm pretty good at navigating my way through the airport. I guess I had a good teacher.

I've had to do a lot of big kid stuff the past few months. It's been such a djustment but Tyson really set me up and taught me so much before he died. I don't think anything is too hard or out of my reach its just different and I'm learning to do it one day at a time.








Boy do I miss that man...

Yesterday was our first full day in Oklahoma. We were set to meet the manager for the show we would be training for here in Oklahoma City at 10. It's about a 25 min walk from our hotel to the theater so after we hit the continental breakfast (woo hoo free food). We set off on the days adventure. Ashley and I were less than pleased with the distance but I also think its kinda nice to get in some exercise after all the food we ate in NYC. We met up with Alex and his girlfriend Paige who are co-managers for the Shreck tour. We got there in time to help them set up the bother help load in all the merch. It was a busy day. We stopped to eat lunch down the street and dinner with the cast and crew of the show. We met the understudies for Check and Donkey and the woman who is the voice of the dragon. We had to go past the stage and through the backstage area to get to dinner. It was really neat to see how many people it takes to make the show work. Shreck is in makeup for 2 hours before the show starts. There were about 20 wardrobe booths and 6 makeup people if I had to guess plus all the props and backdrop stuff. It's Def not a small production.

Well with all that going on for the show the merch booths have about 30 different items to sell. The show started at 7:30 so the doors opened at 6:30 for people to come in to begin their purchases and hang out before the show starts. I was a cash seller and I was supposed to walk around selling shreck and Fiona head bands as well as the color programs. Ashley was in a booth selling the same along with cd's. We sell before the show, during intermission and walk out as everyone is leaving. I did pretty good and sold about $500, which I've been told is very good for a walking cash seller. Ashley and I switch tonight and she gets to walk around while I sell at the booth so wish me luck.

So we got to the theater at 10 in the morning and left around 11 that night. We were exhausted when we got back to the hotel. So basically today was our sleep in day and we don't have to be to the theater till tonight at 5. So far its been really educational and we are learning a ton of stuff. Our show will not be as big as shreck but its good to train with a big show so that when we do our small show it will seem more manageable.

Remember I was complaining about no toilet seat covered in New York? You gotta see my short video about what I saw at the Oklahoma City airport on my face book. I've never seen anything like it in my life! Have a great day "Y'all"!

Once you choose hope, anything is possible - Christopher Reeves

Imagine

Ashley and I are learning so much. Since we started training on Wednesday we strangly feel very confidant in ourselves that we will be able to handle this. Since the first day I, myself, have a had a strange re-assurance that everything would be fine and we were going to do well. Don't get me wrong this job is not rocket science but there is always the anxiety and stress for a new job and how well you will do. Especially this time, so much more is riding on this one. This could potentially be bad for Ashley if I screw up or vice versa. However I know in my heart what will be, will be, and everything will work out how it should. I put on my big girl panties everyday and just deal with life as it comes my way. I have been given many gifts and blessings since Tyson passed away and one of them is the ability to pick myself up and keep on going. There are days I stay down on the ground longer than others but at the end of the day I still get back up.

A little update about our day yesterday... we started by taking the subway down to the Dakota, I believe that's how you spell it. It the home of John Lennon and ultimately where he was shot. Ash is a major Beatles fan so this was a huge check off her list. Standing there I had to think of his wife Yoko and how we have that very annoying similarity, the title of widow. I love the title because it means Tyson was once mine, but it also means I lost him as well.

From there we moved to Central Park to Strawberry Fields which was Johns favorite place in central park. Yoko bought some land a few years ago and had a piece of it dedicated to him. On the walkway there is a mosaic with the words "imagine" in the center... ya... imagine :)

From there we walked through central park for probably close to an hour and didn't even see all of it. We both agreed it was our favorite part about New York. It's really breath taking especially in the fall. We started getting hungry and found a cute deli to eat at. I got matzo ball soup, hitting my Jewish roots. Ashley was set to work on Next to Normal and I had the night off so I helped her sell during selling periods and snuck into the back of the theater and watched the first part of the show up until intermission. It is really deep and heavy and not for everyone, but I actually liked it. I did get a wee bit emotional watching one scene so I put off watching the 2nd half until we are on tour so that I dint get red eyed for my time here in NYC.

After work Ashley and I took the subway to meet up with an old high school friend who is here in New York with his girlfriend going to school. We sat in their appt and talked for a long time. Discussing just about everything before they took us to this great little fondue place close to their appt. We stayed till for a little while and then they helped us hail our first NY cab. This cab was no ordinary cab ride, it was Cash Cab! Well... not really, but he drove like an animal, ran a red light, sped way too fast in a tunnel under central park and may have run over a cat... it was touch and go there for a minute but we made it home alive.

Today is our last full day here and we decided not to run the nyc marathon this year. We don't want to show anyone up with our skills. We did offer to work the show Rock of Ages so that we could watch it. Other than that we don't really have plans so we are probably going to just take it easy and pack up our nyc bags to prepare for good ole Oklahoma.

New York State of Mind

Well we made it. We've been in New York since Tuesday evening and I feel like we are getting a pretty good feel for the city. Our first night we landed at JFK and jumped into a cab. It's a flat rate fee for them to take you into the city which is 55$ which includes the toll road fee and then we tipped him a couple bucks. I received an email on my phone saying that our boss had a meeting till late and couldn't meet us until a little bit later. We were instructed to leave our baggage with the door man at the building until he could let us in. The email made a few suggestions for dinner and we went to the closest which was an Irish Pub a few blocks up. Ashley and I sat at a table by the front window and ordered some food. We were starving after a long day of traveling. I had corned beef a cabbage and she had bangers and mash. Both were really good, I think mine was the best that I've ever had. We finished and still had some time to burn so we just walked around a little bit. The hustle and bustle and business really caught my attention. Everyone is on their way to something important, at least it seems that way. Also ashley and I noticed the trash on the sidewalks. What's that all about? We were told by the doorway that everynight is trash night and it looks like that everyday... weird.

My boss made it to the appt. to let us in and to explain how everything worked and what we needs to know. It's a really nice appt on the upper westside on 86th street. We are within walking distance of Central Park. After he left we had our freak out moment about how cool all of this was and ho lucky we are to be experienceing all of it. We decided to hit the hay because after all of the days nervousness and excitement we were both exhausted.

Wednesday we didn't have to meet our boss/supervisor until noon so we got ready and set out on the city. after receiving tons of directives and had them repeated we set out for the subway system which is only 2 blocks away. We paid for a two way pass and set out for Times Square this is the stop we get off to go into the office which worked out perfect for us to see some sights before going in to meet with HR. We sat down and filledbout some paperwork and discussed for a while the description of our jobs and what not. From there Meredith walked us down to one of the shows we do merchants for called Promises Promises. It stars Kristin Chenowith, Sean Sean Hayes, and Molly Shannon. This was Ashley show for the night to train with. Mine was a few blocks away and I would be working on Elf the musical. Funny how I was trying to avoid Christmas this year and I get placed at a Christmas musical in November. We still had time to turn between that time and the time we needed to be back at the theaters to work so ashley and I walked, ate, walked, ate some more and did some more walking. Finally it was time to head to our shows and get working for the night. I met Megan, who happens to be Meredith sister, and is the meet h manager for Elf and my boss for the night. I was given the job of cAb seller and it was my job to walk around before the show, intermission and after the show to sell Elf hats. There is a baseball cap and an Elf logo Santa hat. The whole night people either found it worth the coat or said "I'm not paying that much for a Santa hat!" I sold 7 hats, which I heard was decent considered we haven't officially opened yet. Ashley and I met after our shows were done and rode home on the subway. We accidents tool the wrong one and instead of dropping us off a few blocks away it took us a more than a few blocks away. Our feet were dying and we were tired so we went thrilled about out bonehead move, but we just started walking and observed the city at night and all its wonder. We made it back and basically jumped in bed. Our first full day in the big city had it all. Walkjng, adventure, time square, food, meeting new people, excitement, and memories.

I'm not going to post daily about everything we do because that would get old, even for me. So ill let you know the highlight from Thursday. We woke up around 9 and we were so tired and because it was raining we decided brush best way to spend the day was resting so we diet get burned out. So we both fell back to sleep till about 1. We got up, enjoyed the awesomness that is: The Five Napkin Burger. It's a burger as big as your head, ark maybe not that big, but pretty big. I was placed with Elf again and Ashley was placed with the show we will be working on: Next to Normal. I was selling hats like I was the night before but this time instead of them in a laptop bag slung over my shoulder I got to have an official red and green.box (like the cigar girls used to carry). When I was standing at the doorway I had my first famous sighting. Chelsea Clinton! I'm told after a while you see so many it becomes so unexciting but for now it was kinda cool. She did not buy one of my hats :(

It's now Friday morning and Ashley and I don't have to be anywhere till 7 tonight. We are hoping if the rain clears up we can see the statue of liberty and ground zero among a few other things. Please please please excuse all the mistakes as I am updating from my phone and its not easy to type all this out on a 2inch by 4 inch screen. Most of the pictures are on my Canon and I have no way of getting them off for now so pictures will have to wait till I'm home in November.

I think of Tyson any time I see something I thing he would think is cool and every time I see a group of teenagers who are obviously on a field trip. Tyson came to the east coast in high-school with his classmates and NY was one of their stops. As most of you know Tyson would get sick and throw up regularly and on the day thy were to go to the Statue of Liberty he was too sick to go. I don't remember any of the things he actually did but I do remember the one thing he missed and I'm excited to do that for him...