A New Year

I like to use the New Year as a starting point each year. I do like to make a resolution to change something each year because the 1st always seems ideal. I have a few goals for 2011 because the year of 2010 started out as an amazing year and quickly took a turn for the worst year. It can't get much worse than this right? Well since June 17th I have tried to imagaine how my situation could be worse. Sadly It's what helps me stay strong because no matter what someone, somewhere else is in a deeper hole than I am. I have done my best to count my blessings even during the most trying period of my life and its what keeps me going.

My goals:
1. To make these "La Belle Vie" Blog posts less sad... to post more pictures and make people want to read what I have to say and not be emotionally drained after reading.

2. To meet a million people on the road (well maybe not a million, but a lot).

3. To be a Christian example to others. I fall short often but feel like through Tysons death I have become closer to God and my faith. The Associate Pastor at my church sent this link out for reading plans to start the year off and I choose

to download the plan to read chronologically. I have so much to learn and will have a ton of downtime each day.

4. To find happiness of sorts. I guess to just be happy with all my decisions and to live life to the fullest. Never have any regrets and to grow as a person. To be aware that I will stumble and fall short, but to just get back up, put my big girl panties on and deal with it!

5. To get in shape! Again, I will have a ton of downtime so there are no excusses. I healthy body translates to a healthy mind. On my hardest days I have wanted to just throw on some running shoes and go but stangely have been too busy for too much of that in 2010.

I load out all the show merch on Sunday night and fly out with Ashley by my side on Monday. I am excited to start this new chapter in my life but deelpy saddened by everything I will miss out on in 2011 back at home. I know that God has set this path for me and I need to follow it as hard as it is. Don't forget to come visit us in any city you want to come see on our tour. We will save a place for you on the floor of our hotel room :)

2010 has been made easier with the help and love of God, The love of my life Tyson (who I have found that each day I find new eveidence that he is STILL taking care of me), my loving family who have carried me through this year, my amazing friends who have been nothing but understanding and patient with me, and strangers who have been supportive and generously praying for our entire family. Thank you to all of you!

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.





One last thing...

In the months after Tyson died I have debated and prayed and thought about a tattoo. Well as you may know Tysons big brother Timmy got one a few months after Tyson died. Seeing how he choose to honor Tyson made me want one even more but I decided to wait a little while and make sure its what I truly wanted. Two days before the 6 month anniversary I went down to the tattoo shop and did it...






Tyson is a huge part of who I am now and I wanted to have something to always remember him by. I choose "TwenTy" just like Timmy has because 20 was Tysons football number and capitalized the last "T" to make "Ty" standout. Then I added purple puzzle piece around it. Tyson loved puzzles, I think its because he liked to take something all jumbled and confusing and make it nice and neat, he loved to be challeneged - I even gave him puzzle piece cuff links the day of our wedding.





I also like to think of our lives as a puzzle and we slowly find pieces to make it complete. Tyson has added so many pieces to my lifes puzzle but there will always be one missing for him as well. I also added the lyrics to one of his favorite songs "Carrying your love with me". Its a Geore Straight song that we used at the funeral, and it seemed so appropriate now that I am leaving and going on the road. No matter what I do or where I go, I will carry his love with me.












Dont worry mom I think Im done with Tattoos... for now :)

Happy New Year to all!

When I Get Where I'm Going

I wanted to share a song that I have heard many times since Tyson passed away. I heard it before he died I just think its more obvious now since it means something totally different to me now.

I really do feel like if Tyson knew he was going to die before that day or could talk to me now this song expresses what he would feel...





I miss you Stinky... 100%

The Woman who started the Widows Voice blog had this as her status a few days ago and I wanted to share:

When the grief roller coaster intensifies it can be difficult to count your blessings...do it anyway. Especially during the holiday season when you miss what was and can't imagine what will be. Hope springs from the smallest act, the smallest effort to believe that the sun will shine...again. You can do it.

Just what I needed to hear. The last few days have been pretty difficult. On top of my angst for the holidays I have been slowly packing the house up to put it all in storage. Wednesday, Tysons family came over and we got a big bulk of it done. I only get one luggage bag to take with me on the road, so everything had to go, right down to the kitchen sink. Paking all of our things into boxes seemed so depressing.

Then it came time for his clothes. I left everything hung in the closet and in his drawers over the past few months. I didn't want to strip it all out because then it would feel so empty. Thats the last thing I needed was to walk into my closet and see a big empty area next to all of my things. We all kind of stood there for a minute affraid to start. We all shared a few tears and I left the room. Im thankful for his family, though it was hard for them, who took all of his things from his dresser and hangers and put them into bags. We could not bare to throw anything out so they are in bags until the day we feel strong enough to sort through it. I went and focused on something else for a while then came back. Someone went through and spread my things out over the entire closet. It didn't seem so harsh that way. The closet still looked full which was so much easier to look at than the emptiness that I had expected to see.

Thank you.

So back to the quote above. My grief roller coaster is at its loopiest. There are twists and turns and high-highs and low-lows. Last night I sat back and thought about my blessings...

I have an amazing support system of family and friends. Always just a phone call away and ready to step in when I need them. Most people don't have this type of support and I know right there I am the most blessed person around. I have a job that allows me to travel the country with a friend and see places most people never have the time to visit. The hugest blessing there is the fact that I have a job during these hard economic times. I have food and shelter, im not out on the street. I have clothes on my back and judging from all the clothes I moved out of my closets and drawers, I never need another piece of clothing. I live in America where I am free to believe in my God and practice the religion that I choose. I heard recently someone say that being born in America is like winning the lottery, we are already a head of the rest of the world because of where we are born.

This list could go on and on but the point is that even in my darkest days I am looking for hope and the up-side. Some days its very hard to see and some days I feel so blessed just to be alive. The true definition of an emotional roller coaster right there.

Two more blessings this week! Nicole, a friend from high-school, welcomed her first child this week. Little Dylan was born Thursday at 5 lbs, 10oz and all of us are excited to meet the little "nugget" :) Also my other high school friend Mary Beth got engaged last night! Let the wedding planning begin. Congratulations to you both I am so excited for what the future holds for both of you. Proof right there that life still has good things to offer and joy can still exist.

The Holidays

Well its in full swing, just like it was in full swing early November (Ugh), The Holidays. I knew they would be hard, our family has been hearing it since day one. Birthdays, anniversaries and the holidays. Thanksgiving came and I was happy to see out of state family and be with them. But I just couldn't pull it together. Being home just made it that much more obvious that he wasn't there. I had offers to do other things with friends and family but I knew no matter where I was, it wouldn't feel right. Ive felt strong this entire time but once thanksgiving came, I've felt unraveled. I have always loved the holidays and even started listening to Christmas music the day after thanksgiving last year. This year I have helped other by putting up someone else's decorations or doing holiday crafts with friends, but I can't even conceive of opening my red and green storage boxes and pulling out our decorations.

BAH FREAKIN HUMBUG

We started a tradition 5 or 6 years ago where Tyson and I would make a few decorations a year so that when it came time to get married our tree would be full of ornaments that had meaning. Last year I had that joy of decorating our first tree with all those fun ornaments. I loved to invite people over to see the tree that we slowly created over the years. All red, white and silver colored along with ornaments we picked up along the way from trips and as gifts. Neatest idea for a couple who are just starting out worst idea for a grieving widow. Those ornaments and other decorations get to stay in the box this year and possibly for the next few years.

Then there's The Angel. It's made out of Styrofoam, pipe cleaners yarn and markers. Tyson made this angel with he was a little boy and it has had its perch on the top of the tree since he first brought it home from school all those years ago. He loved to point it out to everyone " look who's angel is at the top of the tree" even last year at 27, there it was and he was still showing of his craftsmanship and that it was still in one piece. It's an ornament that belongs on a mothers tree is what I always reminded him, Im sure Veta wouldn't have given up even if I asked :) ill keep my Home Goods star topper is what I told him last year. This year I knew it would make us all a bit emotional, but I came over and decorated Vetas tree like I always do and she placed Tysons angel on the top to watch over us this year. Tyson would want that Angel up on the top of that tree for all to see, It was a little emotional but we wouldn't have it any other way. He is our angel afterall...


In order to make it "through" the holidays I'm working all week leading up to Chrsitmas and flying Christmas morning to meet Tysons immediate family in Mexico. I think this will be the best thing for all of us. Something so out of the ordinary is what we all need right now. Continue to pray for us...