La Belle Vie or not La Belle Vie

I have been debating on changing my blog title and web address to apply more to my life as it currently stands. You see my cousin Natalia came up with the name for this blog when it was solely for photography. La Belle Vie Photos, The Beautiful Life Photos. The goal was to post my pictures and allow people to see the beautful world through my camera lens.

With how my world has changed in the past few months and losing the love of my life, my world and life doesn't feel beautiful. Im not trying to be dramatic, its just really not the same. I really lost a sense of security the day Tyson passed away. I always thought it was weird when girls were scared to be home alone or affraid of scary movies or scared of the dark. I used to stay home alone when my parents went out of town and watch scary movies by myself. Now... It makes me anxious to watch the news because Im affriad of becoming paranoid and thinking about what could happen. The month after the accident my brother came and installed motion sensor lights around the perimeter of the house. Just try getting close to my house without the whole neighborhood knowing! I have my neighbors numbers written down close by if I hear something or get scared. I get awoken by strange noises so easily, most often its just my dog tossing and turning in her bed right outside my door. I think the reason I never felt scared before is because Tyson was always a phone call away, while we dated and laying right next to me while we were married. Even if he was out of town I felt safe knowing if anything happended to me he would avenge me and track down the person who hurt me. I little but fairy taleish but its how I felt.

I know my fellow christians are saying, just pray, God will protect you. Easier said then done. I rely on God for a lot and I feel much closer to him since Tyson passed away, but the whole security thing may take a while to get back. I'm being patient and trying not to rush it, and I dont let it restrict me in any way but its just there.

Another reason this world feels less beautiful is that it lacks Tyson and his AMAZING smile. That smile is capable of so much, you have no idea. It had a way of brightening days and making people feel good. He would flash at someone who didn't know him and they would instantly know they made a new friend. All the comments, notes, letters, and messages we received after he passed away, I would say at least 80% made a comment about his smile. Its the number one thing I miss. When I look at a picture Iam fine when I look at it as a whole. When I focus on just his smile and the crows feet that went along with it, I tend to lose it.

After much thought I've decided to keep the name La Belle Vie. My life has a few beautiful things right now that I can't deny. A few of them are: Gods Grace (when I know I don't deserve it), the love of my family, a chance for a fresh start, great friends, security in other ways, and the ability to continue to take pictures of others beauty. Eventually their beauty will be mine I just have to wait for it.




I wanted to share a blog with you that has provided me with lots of comfort over the past few months. I was hesitant to read it for the first few weeks because of its subject "widowhood". That word was soooooo hard the first few times I heard/used it. However I like to read about the hope and the struggles people in my position are going through. Even if you choose not to read it I hope you remember it and share with someone who will need it one day because everyone needs to know they are not alone.
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/

An update on my life

Today is another anniversary. I have been working at my job for exactly 1 year. Little did I know that my life would be going in the direction so drasticly different just one year later. I am so grateful for this job and the supportive people I work with. My sister in law, Corinna, called me a year ago and offered me a job at her screen-printing company. At first I was hesitant, I went to school to be a teacher afterall and this was an office job. Since teaching was amazingly slow last year due to budget cuts I decided to take the job, see where it took me and I figured if a teaching job came along I could take it. Corinna knew that was a possibility as well too. I was signed as a full time employee and was given benefits on January 1st and was able to add Tyson as well, which was such a blessing for our growing family. A job with benefits, AWESOME! Then Tyson passed away, and everyone we know was so supportive and helpful, including my coworkers who stepped in and pulled my weight for the two weeks I was off as well as the past 4 months that I have slowly been healing. They have been and ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and understanding when I just need a minute to breathe.

About a month and a half ago the owners of our parent company in New York were in California for meetings. One of the owners who I have only met 2 or 3 times sat down next to me and asked me how I was doing. He has to do that right? Im an employee who has just gone through the hardest thing anyone could deal with. I thought to myself... Should I tell him the truth... that I get through the day because of how everyone around me is amazing and so supportive. I don’t get through the day based on a prayer and a deep breath. I get through the day because people that I love, tell me they love me and check on my with a simple text that says “how is today going?” or “I was just thinking about you – just wanted you to know”. I get through the day because people let me tell them about Tyson and all his quarks, all the fun we had in the years we dated and the gift I had for 9 months of being married to my best friend. I talk about him likes he is still here which I fear is hard for others but brings me comfort. Of coarse, im sure I responded with “Im doing well, thank you for asking”. Then he made me an offer… he reminded me that we have shows (plays) all over the world and If I needed some time away from life here in Simi it is an option. As soon as he said the first few words I’m pretty sure I stopped listening. In my mind I was already responding NO, I cannot leave my family and friends, my support and the people I support. We finished our conversation and I thanked him for the offer and I went on with my day.

Later that night I was getting my hair done and I was sitting under the dryer and I was thinking of all my friends. My friend Ashley had just told me she wanted to get to London and live for at least a year. How can I help her? How could I help her live her dream? Then I remember my boss and his offer… we have shows in London too… I wonder… I called Ashley and asked her if any of this would be something she would want to. Of coarse she said something along the lines of “YES”!!!, “Oh my goodness I wanna pee my pants”… I knew she would be willing to try it and it would be a life changing experience for me as well. Over the next few days/weeks I presented my boss with the idea of me AND a friend going to London to run a show and live there. I said it’s a package deal, I don’t go without her. It turns out it is VERY expensive to sponsor someone for a work Visa to go to London. BUT, if we are still interested and would want to invest some time into our company, London could be an option down the road after we receive lots of training and work our way to that point.

I told Ashley of the development and she was still game. The plan has changed a few times and still could change but let me tell you the gist of it as of now…

In two weeks (well less now, the first week of November), Ashley and I will fly to New York and meet up with our new boss. We will receive training in our New York office and as well as at the Broadway shows my company produces and handles the merchandise for. After the week is up we will fly and meet up with one of the shows we have on tour and go through the load out/load in process. Not sure what that entails yet, but we will see. From there we will fly back to L.A., not sure the dates yet, but we will then be co-managers for a show called "Next to Normal" and will handle all the show merchandise and be the sellers of it as well. Usually they have one manager and he/she hires sellers in each city but my company is making an exception and letting us be co-managers and sell so we don’t have to hire anyone in each city. Its just us two. This show is a traveling show and Its first stop on the tour is L.A. I don’t know much about the show but that it’s a smaller show and very manageable for Ashley and I. Then January 2nd we ship out and go on the road with this show. We will go all around the US and hit many little US cities that most people never think to visit along with some bigger cities as well. We will even get to Canada at one point. The best part is, I get to bring my camera along the way and document all the place I get to visit. I feel like Im going to join the circus!

I am still trying not to get my hopes up even though Ashley was told to put in her two week notice, which she happily obliged to do on Saturday. Ive already spoken to our “tour” boss and this is forsure happening but I’m pretty sure I won’t believe it until I land in New York.

I wanted to share my progress and growth with everyone who has been praying for me and my family. Your prayers are paying off. The broken pieces are slowly coming back together, they are just being re-arrainged a little but. I have bad days and I have good days. Nothing will ever change how I feel about Tyson and our families and friends, so please don't think I am "running away". It is dificult at times to be here in Simi, there are constnat reminders of him everywhere. I am not trying to forget him or ignore the life I had before but sometimes it can be overwhelming. This was not the plan for my life, I had very diferent plans. However, Im excited for this new plan which seems to working out so great. I get to travel, work a new type of job and figure out who the new me is. I cannot tell you how perfectly things have fallen into place to make this happen.

Please, please, please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers. We still have a long road a head of us of tears, healing and eventually the joy we once had will fill our hearts again. I will miss my family and friends and all the familiar faces who have done their best to aide me and fill the new void in my life. Even though I will miss them with all my heart I thank God for internet, phones and Skype :)