Who was Tyson?

Where to start… I’m still not sure what I want to say right now… but want to say something. I’ve been thinking about this week for an entire year now and now it’s upon me. So how am I feeling? What am I thinking? What can I say? I don’t really know. Ill just start writing and see what comes out…



June 17th is just a date right? It’s the day that comes after the 16th? And falls right before the 18th. It also happens to be the day that my life was turned completely upside down. I could spell out all the horrible things about that day, when those horrible words “he’s gone” were spoken to me, the follow days which blur together, the day we buried him, the things I miss, the things he and I will never share, the pain in all of our hearts, but most of you who read this probably know or can imagine those truths already. They are hard and they are bad but no one on this earth will benefit from me re-hashing them.

Instead I will focus on the man I love with all my heart. I am indefinitely proud to have called this man my husband, best friend, lover, and teacher. The pride fills my heart and gets me through a lot of days. His love is the kind of love that is enough to get me through a hundred lifetimes. I carry a piece of it each day with me and think often of the song by George Straight that he loved so much “Carrying your love with me”.

Who was Tyson?

Tyson was a man of faith who put God first in everything he did. He could get up on Sunday mornings and look mighty fine in a dress shirt and tie even when I felt too lazy or tired to get up to go. To drag your self out of bed when the person next you looks so warm and cozy, since most of us knew how much Tyson loved sleep we know that’s dedication. He equally believed in science and the word of God, which is a hard thing to do. He was able to quote scripture of the top of his head and convey bible stories to others in conversation. He not only believed the word, he lived it, which all of us Christians know, is not an easy thing to do all the time.

Tyson was WICKED smart, like the kind of smart man you read about in history books or magazines, BUT he never made anyone feel dumb. That’s the key to being smart and what I loved most about him. He never held his smarts over any ones head or made them believe that they were any less smart than he. He skipped a lot of school (Go Bruins) at UCLA (sorry Tim and Veta) and made his way over to my house to take me to lunch or to the beach or just watch T.V. with me during the day yet managed to show up to his finals and score in the 90th percentile on most tests. He had a photographic memory and was even kicked out of a casino when he was standing next to his dad and told him he was making a good bet since there was no way the dealer could have an Ace (enter casino security guards to escort young Tyson to the door).

Tyson was athletic. I wasn’t around the days of his great soccer playing years and high school sports but know that he was a great all around player who had the attributes of a star player. He was fast, agile, smart, encouraging of other players, a leader, aggressive, strong, reliable, teachable, and disciplined among many other qualities. All the while, playing with 20/200 vision, making him legally blind in one eye, something he was born with, which affected his depth perception - something you need for sports. He never used it as a excuse or a reason for any shortcomings. He played a friendly game of basketball with some cousins and friends the night before he passed away which provided me with my favorite picture of Tyson. Even though the game became a bit competitive, Tyson could still walk away laughing with a great big smile on his face.





Tyson was a family man. He was my husband for 10 and half months but we dated for 8 years prior to our wedding date. He treated me the way every girl dreams of. From our first date to his last day here on earth Tyson was a loving, kind, emotional when the occasion called for it, thoughtful, gentle, caring, spontaneous, warm, affectionate and devoted. Tyson made me feel beautiful, sexy, and smart - always offering a compliment when I got all dressed up for a night on the town or in my frumpy P.J.s while studying for a test. He never lost his temper or raised his voice at me (and lets face it I’m a girl we can frustrate the heck out of a guy) and was always the first to apologize, teaching me nothing is worth holding a grudge to being angry at because tomorrow is not guaranteed. He was a great son to Tim and Veta and in the latter years my parents, Ellis and Marlene making all four very proud to call him son. He was an amazing brother to Timmy and Amber and eventually their spouses Corinna and Jeremy and most recently my brother Josh. He was the best uncle a kid could ask for to Coby, Cade, Abby, Bella, Oliva and Sophia. My niece Julliette was born several months after Tyson passed away but she will come to know him the way the others know him through stories, pictures, video and memories from the heart. He was a grandson, nephew, cousin, friend and so much more!



He was there when you needed him most, he was the first to cleanup after a big party and the last to leave making sure every last bit was done. He was a coach for his nephews sports teams, the smile you needed to see on a bad day and a hug around the neck when he could see that someone needed it. He could water ski and make any man or woman jealous because he did it with such finesse and jump on the snow ski slopes transferring our envy to a new season. He would sprint to open doors for a person in need, the first to respond to a friend in distress and the patience to sit and listen to their troubles. He would take the shirt off his back, even for an enemy (which I’m not sure even existed). He was a camp counselor/father to the young members of the CCC Wagon Train trips to Hume Lake. He was Sunday school teacher, and he served on our church elder board. He was the builder of our first home, and a scientist. He loved Tea with his mom and watching B flick movies with his dad. He loved and adored the ground his big brother Timmy and equally admired and adored his big sis Amber or as he called her often Amb. He loved Dr. Pepper and Coke. Hot Tamales, Juju Fruits, and Chocolate covered doughnuts. He adored his chubby little Bulldog Morgan and took pride that his first car, a 2001 Lexus was still running after all the miles he put on it commuting to school at UCLA (he loved that car and planned on driving it till the wheels feel off).

He was all of this and much much more.

He is our Tyson and we miss him dearly. Our lives are forever changed because we knew him and because we lost him. He taught us so much in life and taught us some of the greatest things in his death. One of the most important being: Live life with NO REGRETS.



I spoke to his brother Timmy tonight and I said… “Its just a date right? June 17th is just another day on the calendar right?” he responded with “Ya, your right... I’m going to try not to think of it as such a bad day, but as a good day. I’m going to try and see it as what it really was, God called him home because his work here on earth was done. Tyson lived such a awesome God honoring life that God said, “you did it! Your reward is heaven." ”

As Christians our reward is heaven. So we should be happy for him, he is done with pain and heartache. We grieve for us, ourselves who are left behind with the pain and sadness we feel over his loss and that’s ok too, because losing Tyson was, is and always will be a very difficult thing to except. The idea is still foreign and will be the rest of my days on earth.




On the 17th I am turning off my phone and will not be checking my Facebook or emails. I plan on having this one-day to my self to reflect and be alone. 364 days this year have been dedicated to being strong and rising from the ashes. On this 365th day I am going to allow myself time to reflect and not feel like I have to put a smile on my face. This day I am allowing myself to just be sad and thats ok.

On the day of the funeral the funeral director spoke and asked us to all share a word that summed up or expressed what Tyson was to us. I think it would be more beneficial for us all to not express their sadness about the situation and how much we miss him but to share your word. It doesn’t matter if someone already said it because each word is unique to you. Lets paint a beautiful picture of Tyson with just one word each!



Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. I know a lot of people have strengthened our family with them and we have continued to feel your love over the past year. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Leaving on a Jet Plane... tomorrow

I have had a two week vacation but it really seems like one day. Time flies when your staying busy and having fun. I had time to do the fun stuff like hang out with my loved ones, beach camping, a mud run, bbq, hanging out by the pool, drive a car, home cooked meals, church, run errands, eat at my favorite Simi specific places such as Reds, Eggs n Things, Johns Bagel Deli and of coarse Don Cucos. Also did some not so fun things such as going to the dentist (3 times in 2weeks), getting a horrible sunburn on my back, having Tysons car all checked out to have the "check engine" light come back on :( and saying goodbye yet again to all those that I love. The good weighs out the bad by far so Im not complaining at all.

I love being home, this year has been a roller coaster of unimaginable highs and lows and home is the place to be when you need to be grounded again. It can be emotional at times with the simplest things setting me off for a crying session. Sometimes I need something to set me off in order to let it all out... I have a hard time letting it all out. Very few people have seen me cry, I just can't do it in front of most people, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to make them feel uncomfortable. I think I have had some good healthy crys this week and it feels good to let it out.

The weirdest thing about being home is the strangest feeling that he will walk through a door at anytime. I feel like if I turn my head he is just going to be there with a huge smile on my face just like a year ago. I waited for it one day while I was laying by the pool... I actually closed my eyes and counted to three and knew in my heart that this past year was all a dream... that when I opened my eyes there he would be standing with one of our nieces in his arms feeding her at least 3 pieces of licorice or a sip of his coke.

I do this sometimes on the road too in a different way. Like if I am falling asleep in bed I close my eyes and it feel like I could be in any bed, like my bed in our home and maybe when I wake up I will actually wake up there and turn over and Tyson will be next to me. Or if Im in the shower and the water is pounding on my face, I could be in our shower at home and when I open my eyes I will actually be in our shower in our home. I don't know if Im wishing it would just be the time before the accident or the current time and the accident never happened.

I feel looney when I do this, like who am I kidding? Certainly not myself! But what if God wanted to give me a miracle... it's not going to happen but it's a nice thought. I also wonder if other people out there do this, or is it just me. I never actually believe it will happen, just hope.

I have 8 weeks left of touring and 5 cities - Cleveland, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Charlotte, and Toronto. It will be a whirlwind but Im excited to make the most of these next 8 weeks and plan for the next step of my life. I think Im most excited about D.C. and Toronto. I went to D.C. once before with Tyson and his family for a family wedding and I loved it. I can't wait to go back and see all the things I didn't get to do the first time. If anyone has any suggestions for what their favorite things are in each city is message me and let me know!

Here are some pictures of our first visit to D.C. in November of 2004

How to Help Me and All Those Who Are Grieving

So I was reading The Widows Voice Blog and I came across this article posted by a fellow Widow. It's a summary of how to help someone grieving especially a widow/widower. I hear " I have no clue what you are going through" all the time, but I think this gives insight to what we are feeling sometimes. I think this is something for all of us(including myself) to think about when someone loses someone important in their life. I have been so lucky to have support from so many people over the past 11 months but for those who only have a few people in their life to help them, knowing some of this will help everyone involved.




"How You Can Help Me"
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for our children, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right. And remember, I was a capable adult before his death and I still am.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I may not be ready. And maybe I don't want to be. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.

(b) Send me a card on special holidays, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.

(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve. Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

--Author Unknown

Boston to Chicago

So my Internet sucked in Chicago which made uploading pictures to my blog NO BUENO! I feel like I am too behind to update you on the cities in between and instead pasting the link for the cities in between from my Facebook Uploads from last week.

Boston, MA a 5 hour trip to see what we could including "Cheers" where everybody knows your name, Faneuil Hall, "Americas Oldest Restaurant" The Union Oyster House, and other little random things.
Pictures: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150193381622376.326342.810472375

Hartford, CT which included The Mark Twain House, Mystic, CT, Vera & Maggies House, and Ashleys Birthday:
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150193389847376.326343.810472375

Pittsburgh, PA - Primanti Bros, The Season Home opener for the Pirates, and an Amazing Ice Cream shop called Klavons
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150193401682376.326344.810472375

St. Louis, MO- The Saint Louis Arch and The Fabulous Fox Theater
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150193410522376.326347.810472375

I just uploaded my Chicago pictures to my computer and need to sort through them. So these will be in a future post.


I come home to Simi in less than a week. I land late afternoon on May 23rd and stay until June 6th. I have already jammed packed all my appointments in to get them done and our of the way. Dentist, hair, taxes, getting the oil changed in the Lexus in the first two days to have it all done and out of the way to give the remainder of my time to family and friends. I can't wait to see my doggy Morgan and hold my baby niece and play with all my nieces and nephews and just be the daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend that I couldn't be over the last few months. I am so grateful for my experiences on tour and all the awesome friends I have made. It has given me a lot of me time if nothing else. I've needed every ounce of it but at the same time I need to feel normal again and have the normal events take place like meeting friends for dinner, game nights, going to nieces and nephews games, school events, graduations, go to Target, veg on the couch, soak up the California sun and ride my awesome beach cruiser among many other things. It is an understatement to say that I am VERY VERY VERY Excited to come home.

Still deciding on what life will hold for me as of August when the tour ends. I have a few things in mind and I know that everyone at home is keeping me updated on any job openings that may suit me and thank you for that. I continue to pray that wherever I end up and whatever I do that I just be happy and needed there.

We shall see.

Just one more update on my day off yesterday in Minnesota. A few of us went to a local lake and spent the day on the lake relaxing and just hanging out. It was just was just what I needed. Brian pulled out one of the poles to start fishing. I told him he wasn't going to catch anything. He told me that not only would he catch a fish he would name the fish Lindsey after me! I told him if he caught a fish i would kiss it... well not 2 minutes later he reeled in a fish, one of two that was caught all day long. Luck was on his side. It's was a very small fish :) well you get the gist and here is the picture of me puckering up! I too caught a fish, he was small and it was again... luck!

Providence, RI (3/21 - 3/27)

Alright, so I was going to write all about Providence and put up some pictures but Im pretty sure I didn't take any pictures. I really cant check to see if I did because my Point and Click Canon battery charger fell out of the front zipper of my suitcase on a flight a few weeks ago. So I tried to get a replacement at Best Buy but they were all out. Since I dont think I have any pictures anyway, Ill just sum up our week for you.

Nothing super exciting happened but we were excited to reach the East Coast and see what it had to offer us. We didn't have a car and the public transportation system was something we were too lazy to look into. We bascially stayed within a mile of the hotel/theater and visited the little shops close by or the mall :) We must have been very lazy this week because this is also the week Ashley and I paid (yes paid) to have out laundry done. We were going to have to take a Taxi to the closest laundry mat, pay for our detergent, and sit for a minimum of and hour and a half, and fold it after we were done. There was a cleaners behind the hotel that charged 95 cents a pound. I brought in 10 lbs and it cost me about $10. Not too bad, it was well worth it to pick up a duffel bag of clean, folded laundry! SCORE!!!

On Friday of the week we were in providence Keith (road dad) rented a car and he, Forrest, Ashley and I drove up to Boston. We sepnt a few hours wandering around and seeing some of the main sights. I do have pictures from Boston though, but feel like that should be a separate post. So maybe Ill do that one next when I can get back onto my personal computer and get those pictures.

I have been missing home and family alot lately. I miss my loved ones, my dog, my conviences of being at home, a car, my pillows and so much more. I miss Tyson especially. I miss him everyday but I have been reflection on the fact that a year ago from this month and the next month, Tyson was living the last months of his life. I know his last few months were unevetful and mundaine but I hope they were exactly what he would have wanted them to be.

I love and appreciate what the tour has given me over the past few months. I have had space from everything that reminds me of my old life, I have met some amazing people who I hope I can remain freinds with after this tour ends, I have had a chance to save some money, and most importantly I have come to appreciate the place I come from and all the people there. Over the next few months I need to decide what the next step is, what the next phase of my life will be. There have been many suggestions and I have bounced many options around in my head but nothing seems to be an obvious decsision yet. I know God will lead me where I need to be so I plan on thinking and praying for what the next step is for me. I could use some prayer for that. I could use others praying for my decision as I think about the next step and where I will be after this tour ends.

Oh, ya... Im in St. Louis right now and there is a Tornado warning, pretty cool since Im from California and we dont have extream weather. Wish me luck!

Des Moines is French for "The Moines"

This was a hilarious shirt Ashley and I say at the store is Des Moines called Raygun and we kept referncing it all week long, and possibly for the rest of our lives. Its also the store who made the "Kiss me I'm Iowish" shirts Ashley and I sported on St. Patricks Day!


http://raygunsite.com/





Hey guys, I have not been able to sit down and write in a few weeks. The last 4 cities were one week cities and it was hard to get to the touristy stuff and work and have time to veg out in between. So I thought I would give you a brief over view of each city over the next week.

Des Moines, Iowa 3-14 to 3-20

The week started off checking into the Embassy Suites in Downtown Des Moines and finding out that the hotel was doing some construction. Some of us were affected by it and some of us were not. Ashley and I were lucky enough to have them drilling and hammering next to our room non-stop the entire week starting at 8:30 and going till after 5. YAY!!! St. Patricks day was the big event of the week with Downtown Des Moines pulling out all the stop for a parade and the after parade events held at our very own hotel. Upon leaving our rooms that day we found hundreds of people in the atrium of the hotel and hundreds maybe a few thousand in the streets around the hotel. It was a ton of fun to watch everyone get excited and dress up. We put on our green and braved the crowded streets. The end of the week was uneventful but I loved the quiteness and slow pace attitude on Des Moines after leaving Seattle.





The State Capitol at night!













Ashley and I at the booth in the lobby in Des Moines














Java Joes - an awesome little coffee shop in the Downtown Area!










Our afternoon of antiquing - I found some lovely gloves and a hat, while Perry found a mandolin









Our afternoon of fun on St. Patricks day, including dogs with green nails, bag pipers and "Kiss me I'm Iowish" shirts!













Lastly, a picture of Keith (a.k.a. "Road Dad"), Forest (a.k.a. "baby brother"), Me and Ashley soaking up some sun in Des Moines after three weeks in rainy cold Seattle!

Next City: Providence, RI!