Once you choose hope, anything is possible - Christopher Reeves

Imagine

Ashley and I are learning so much. Since we started training on Wednesday we strangly feel very confidant in ourselves that we will be able to handle this. Since the first day I, myself, have a had a strange re-assurance that everything would be fine and we were going to do well. Don't get me wrong this job is not rocket science but there is always the anxiety and stress for a new job and how well you will do. Especially this time, so much more is riding on this one. This could potentially be bad for Ashley if I screw up or vice versa. However I know in my heart what will be, will be, and everything will work out how it should. I put on my big girl panties everyday and just deal with life as it comes my way. I have been given many gifts and blessings since Tyson passed away and one of them is the ability to pick myself up and keep on going. There are days I stay down on the ground longer than others but at the end of the day I still get back up.

A little update about our day yesterday... we started by taking the subway down to the Dakota, I believe that's how you spell it. It the home of John Lennon and ultimately where he was shot. Ash is a major Beatles fan so this was a huge check off her list. Standing there I had to think of his wife Yoko and how we have that very annoying similarity, the title of widow. I love the title because it means Tyson was once mine, but it also means I lost him as well.

From there we moved to Central Park to Strawberry Fields which was Johns favorite place in central park. Yoko bought some land a few years ago and had a piece of it dedicated to him. On the walkway there is a mosaic with the words "imagine" in the center... ya... imagine :)

From there we walked through central park for probably close to an hour and didn't even see all of it. We both agreed it was our favorite part about New York. It's really breath taking especially in the fall. We started getting hungry and found a cute deli to eat at. I got matzo ball soup, hitting my Jewish roots. Ashley was set to work on Next to Normal and I had the night off so I helped her sell during selling periods and snuck into the back of the theater and watched the first part of the show up until intermission. It is really deep and heavy and not for everyone, but I actually liked it. I did get a wee bit emotional watching one scene so I put off watching the 2nd half until we are on tour so that I dint get red eyed for my time here in NYC.

After work Ashley and I took the subway to meet up with an old high school friend who is here in New York with his girlfriend going to school. We sat in their appt and talked for a long time. Discussing just about everything before they took us to this great little fondue place close to their appt. We stayed till for a little while and then they helped us hail our first NY cab. This cab was no ordinary cab ride, it was Cash Cab! Well... not really, but he drove like an animal, ran a red light, sped way too fast in a tunnel under central park and may have run over a cat... it was touch and go there for a minute but we made it home alive.

Today is our last full day here and we decided not to run the nyc marathon this year. We don't want to show anyone up with our skills. We did offer to work the show Rock of Ages so that we could watch it. Other than that we don't really have plans so we are probably going to just take it easy and pack up our nyc bags to prepare for good ole Oklahoma.

New York State of Mind

Well we made it. We've been in New York since Tuesday evening and I feel like we are getting a pretty good feel for the city. Our first night we landed at JFK and jumped into a cab. It's a flat rate fee for them to take you into the city which is 55$ which includes the toll road fee and then we tipped him a couple bucks. I received an email on my phone saying that our boss had a meeting till late and couldn't meet us until a little bit later. We were instructed to leave our baggage with the door man at the building until he could let us in. The email made a few suggestions for dinner and we went to the closest which was an Irish Pub a few blocks up. Ashley and I sat at a table by the front window and ordered some food. We were starving after a long day of traveling. I had corned beef a cabbage and she had bangers and mash. Both were really good, I think mine was the best that I've ever had. We finished and still had some time to burn so we just walked around a little bit. The hustle and bustle and business really caught my attention. Everyone is on their way to something important, at least it seems that way. Also ashley and I noticed the trash on the sidewalks. What's that all about? We were told by the doorway that everynight is trash night and it looks like that everyday... weird.

My boss made it to the appt. to let us in and to explain how everything worked and what we needs to know. It's a really nice appt on the upper westside on 86th street. We are within walking distance of Central Park. After he left we had our freak out moment about how cool all of this was and ho lucky we are to be experienceing all of it. We decided to hit the hay because after all of the days nervousness and excitement we were both exhausted.

Wednesday we didn't have to meet our boss/supervisor until noon so we got ready and set out on the city. after receiving tons of directives and had them repeated we set out for the subway system which is only 2 blocks away. We paid for a two way pass and set out for Times Square this is the stop we get off to go into the office which worked out perfect for us to see some sights before going in to meet with HR. We sat down and filledbout some paperwork and discussed for a while the description of our jobs and what not. From there Meredith walked us down to one of the shows we do merchants for called Promises Promises. It stars Kristin Chenowith, Sean Sean Hayes, and Molly Shannon. This was Ashley show for the night to train with. Mine was a few blocks away and I would be working on Elf the musical. Funny how I was trying to avoid Christmas this year and I get placed at a Christmas musical in November. We still had time to turn between that time and the time we needed to be back at the theaters to work so ashley and I walked, ate, walked, ate some more and did some more walking. Finally it was time to head to our shows and get working for the night. I met Megan, who happens to be Meredith sister, and is the meet h manager for Elf and my boss for the night. I was given the job of cAb seller and it was my job to walk around before the show, intermission and after the show to sell Elf hats. There is a baseball cap and an Elf logo Santa hat. The whole night people either found it worth the coat or said "I'm not paying that much for a Santa hat!" I sold 7 hats, which I heard was decent considered we haven't officially opened yet. Ashley and I met after our shows were done and rode home on the subway. We accidents tool the wrong one and instead of dropping us off a few blocks away it took us a more than a few blocks away. Our feet were dying and we were tired so we went thrilled about out bonehead move, but we just started walking and observed the city at night and all its wonder. We made it back and basically jumped in bed. Our first full day in the big city had it all. Walkjng, adventure, time square, food, meeting new people, excitement, and memories.

I'm not going to post daily about everything we do because that would get old, even for me. So ill let you know the highlight from Thursday. We woke up around 9 and we were so tired and because it was raining we decided brush best way to spend the day was resting so we diet get burned out. So we both fell back to sleep till about 1. We got up, enjoyed the awesomness that is: The Five Napkin Burger. It's a burger as big as your head, ark maybe not that big, but pretty big. I was placed with Elf again and Ashley was placed with the show we will be working on: Next to Normal. I was selling hats like I was the night before but this time instead of them in a laptop bag slung over my shoulder I got to have an official red and green.box (like the cigar girls used to carry). When I was standing at the doorway I had my first famous sighting. Chelsea Clinton! I'm told after a while you see so many it becomes so unexciting but for now it was kinda cool. She did not buy one of my hats :(

It's now Friday morning and Ashley and I don't have to be anywhere till 7 tonight. We are hoping if the rain clears up we can see the statue of liberty and ground zero among a few other things. Please please please excuse all the mistakes as I am updating from my phone and its not easy to type all this out on a 2inch by 4 inch screen. Most of the pictures are on my Canon and I have no way of getting them off for now so pictures will have to wait till I'm home in November.

I think of Tyson any time I see something I thing he would think is cool and every time I see a group of teenagers who are obviously on a field trip. Tyson came to the east coast in high-school with his classmates and NY was one of their stops. As most of you know Tyson would get sick and throw up regularly and on the day thy were to go to the Statue of Liberty he was too sick to go. I don't remember any of the things he actually did but I do remember the one thing he missed and I'm excited to do that for him...

La Belle Vie or not La Belle Vie

I have been debating on changing my blog title and web address to apply more to my life as it currently stands. You see my cousin Natalia came up with the name for this blog when it was solely for photography. La Belle Vie Photos, The Beautiful Life Photos. The goal was to post my pictures and allow people to see the beautful world through my camera lens.

With how my world has changed in the past few months and losing the love of my life, my world and life doesn't feel beautiful. Im not trying to be dramatic, its just really not the same. I really lost a sense of security the day Tyson passed away. I always thought it was weird when girls were scared to be home alone or affraid of scary movies or scared of the dark. I used to stay home alone when my parents went out of town and watch scary movies by myself. Now... It makes me anxious to watch the news because Im affriad of becoming paranoid and thinking about what could happen. The month after the accident my brother came and installed motion sensor lights around the perimeter of the house. Just try getting close to my house without the whole neighborhood knowing! I have my neighbors numbers written down close by if I hear something or get scared. I get awoken by strange noises so easily, most often its just my dog tossing and turning in her bed right outside my door. I think the reason I never felt scared before is because Tyson was always a phone call away, while we dated and laying right next to me while we were married. Even if he was out of town I felt safe knowing if anything happended to me he would avenge me and track down the person who hurt me. I little but fairy taleish but its how I felt.

I know my fellow christians are saying, just pray, God will protect you. Easier said then done. I rely on God for a lot and I feel much closer to him since Tyson passed away, but the whole security thing may take a while to get back. I'm being patient and trying not to rush it, and I dont let it restrict me in any way but its just there.

Another reason this world feels less beautiful is that it lacks Tyson and his AMAZING smile. That smile is capable of so much, you have no idea. It had a way of brightening days and making people feel good. He would flash at someone who didn't know him and they would instantly know they made a new friend. All the comments, notes, letters, and messages we received after he passed away, I would say at least 80% made a comment about his smile. Its the number one thing I miss. When I look at a picture Iam fine when I look at it as a whole. When I focus on just his smile and the crows feet that went along with it, I tend to lose it.

After much thought I've decided to keep the name La Belle Vie. My life has a few beautiful things right now that I can't deny. A few of them are: Gods Grace (when I know I don't deserve it), the love of my family, a chance for a fresh start, great friends, security in other ways, and the ability to continue to take pictures of others beauty. Eventually their beauty will be mine I just have to wait for it.




I wanted to share a blog with you that has provided me with lots of comfort over the past few months. I was hesitant to read it for the first few weeks because of its subject "widowhood". That word was soooooo hard the first few times I heard/used it. However I like to read about the hope and the struggles people in my position are going through. Even if you choose not to read it I hope you remember it and share with someone who will need it one day because everyone needs to know they are not alone.
http://widowsvoice-sslf.blogspot.com/

An update on my life

Today is another anniversary. I have been working at my job for exactly 1 year. Little did I know that my life would be going in the direction so drasticly different just one year later. I am so grateful for this job and the supportive people I work with. My sister in law, Corinna, called me a year ago and offered me a job at her screen-printing company. At first I was hesitant, I went to school to be a teacher afterall and this was an office job. Since teaching was amazingly slow last year due to budget cuts I decided to take the job, see where it took me and I figured if a teaching job came along I could take it. Corinna knew that was a possibility as well too. I was signed as a full time employee and was given benefits on January 1st and was able to add Tyson as well, which was such a blessing for our growing family. A job with benefits, AWESOME! Then Tyson passed away, and everyone we know was so supportive and helpful, including my coworkers who stepped in and pulled my weight for the two weeks I was off as well as the past 4 months that I have slowly been healing. They have been and ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and understanding when I just need a minute to breathe.

About a month and a half ago the owners of our parent company in New York were in California for meetings. One of the owners who I have only met 2 or 3 times sat down next to me and asked me how I was doing. He has to do that right? Im an employee who has just gone through the hardest thing anyone could deal with. I thought to myself... Should I tell him the truth... that I get through the day because of how everyone around me is amazing and so supportive. I don’t get through the day based on a prayer and a deep breath. I get through the day because people that I love, tell me they love me and check on my with a simple text that says “how is today going?” or “I was just thinking about you – just wanted you to know”. I get through the day because people let me tell them about Tyson and all his quarks, all the fun we had in the years we dated and the gift I had for 9 months of being married to my best friend. I talk about him likes he is still here which I fear is hard for others but brings me comfort. Of coarse, im sure I responded with “Im doing well, thank you for asking”. Then he made me an offer… he reminded me that we have shows (plays) all over the world and If I needed some time away from life here in Simi it is an option. As soon as he said the first few words I’m pretty sure I stopped listening. In my mind I was already responding NO, I cannot leave my family and friends, my support and the people I support. We finished our conversation and I thanked him for the offer and I went on with my day.

Later that night I was getting my hair done and I was sitting under the dryer and I was thinking of all my friends. My friend Ashley had just told me she wanted to get to London and live for at least a year. How can I help her? How could I help her live her dream? Then I remember my boss and his offer… we have shows in London too… I wonder… I called Ashley and asked her if any of this would be something she would want to. Of coarse she said something along the lines of “YES”!!!, “Oh my goodness I wanna pee my pants”… I knew she would be willing to try it and it would be a life changing experience for me as well. Over the next few days/weeks I presented my boss with the idea of me AND a friend going to London to run a show and live there. I said it’s a package deal, I don’t go without her. It turns out it is VERY expensive to sponsor someone for a work Visa to go to London. BUT, if we are still interested and would want to invest some time into our company, London could be an option down the road after we receive lots of training and work our way to that point.

I told Ashley of the development and she was still game. The plan has changed a few times and still could change but let me tell you the gist of it as of now…

In two weeks (well less now, the first week of November), Ashley and I will fly to New York and meet up with our new boss. We will receive training in our New York office and as well as at the Broadway shows my company produces and handles the merchandise for. After the week is up we will fly and meet up with one of the shows we have on tour and go through the load out/load in process. Not sure what that entails yet, but we will see. From there we will fly back to L.A., not sure the dates yet, but we will then be co-managers for a show called "Next to Normal" and will handle all the show merchandise and be the sellers of it as well. Usually they have one manager and he/she hires sellers in each city but my company is making an exception and letting us be co-managers and sell so we don’t have to hire anyone in each city. Its just us two. This show is a traveling show and Its first stop on the tour is L.A. I don’t know much about the show but that it’s a smaller show and very manageable for Ashley and I. Then January 2nd we ship out and go on the road with this show. We will go all around the US and hit many little US cities that most people never think to visit along with some bigger cities as well. We will even get to Canada at one point. The best part is, I get to bring my camera along the way and document all the place I get to visit. I feel like Im going to join the circus!

I am still trying not to get my hopes up even though Ashley was told to put in her two week notice, which she happily obliged to do on Saturday. Ive already spoken to our “tour” boss and this is forsure happening but I’m pretty sure I won’t believe it until I land in New York.

I wanted to share my progress and growth with everyone who has been praying for me and my family. Your prayers are paying off. The broken pieces are slowly coming back together, they are just being re-arrainged a little but. I have bad days and I have good days. Nothing will ever change how I feel about Tyson and our families and friends, so please don't think I am "running away". It is dificult at times to be here in Simi, there are constnat reminders of him everywhere. I am not trying to forget him or ignore the life I had before but sometimes it can be overwhelming. This was not the plan for my life, I had very diferent plans. However, Im excited for this new plan which seems to working out so great. I get to travel, work a new type of job and figure out who the new me is. I cannot tell you how perfectly things have fallen into place to make this happen.

Please, please, please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers. We still have a long road a head of us of tears, healing and eventually the joy we once had will fill our hearts again. I will miss my family and friends and all the familiar faces who have done their best to aide me and fill the new void in my life. Even though I will miss them with all my heart I thank God for internet, phones and Skype :)

Thankful

I am surprisingly thankful these days. With every sadness that I have expereinced this summer I have found little gifts. These gifts will never replace the greatest loss I suffered but they do help some days.

As most of you probably know my husband of 10 months, Tyson, passed away on June 17th. My summer was instantly gone. Here I am on Labor day weekend thinking back to my summer and how painful it was. Thirteen days after we lost Tyson I turned 26. I turned another year older and for the first time in nine years my best friend wasn't there to celebrate with me. A month later on August 1st, I celebrated my first wedding anniversary and then August 13th would have been our 9th anniversary of when we met. Then my nephew broke his collar bone on August 23rd. Lets just say this summer, especially the month of August, SUCKED!

However, I have found so many things to be thankful for. Tyson went with me to purchase my first Digital SLR camera on HIS birthday (March 8th). We agreed it was a very early birthday present for me, thats how he justified this splurge. Even though Tyson wasn't here for my birthday, he already had me covered for my birthday gift. Believe it or not he also justified buying a me a flash in early June, so I'm also covered for Christmas as well. Pretty smart guy, thinking ahead. Im thankful for the pictures I was able to capture of my sweetie as well. He never complained that I shoved my lenses in his face while I messed with the settings and tried to figure it all out.

Here are a few pictures and the stories behind them...

My cousin Natalia agreed to let me take pictures of her son Tae and her with her pregnant belly (my first "shoot"). I was so nervous and wanted it to go well. I told Tyson I was going to go to the field the day before and scope things out and take some test pictures. He insisted on going with me so I wasn't alone. Well naturally he became the subject of my test pictures. I love these pictures... I don't have any others like them of him. So thankful he offered to come with me that day.

(***Side note: The shirt he is wearing is his favorite shirt. I have found dozens of pictures over the years where he is wearing this shirt. It was super soft from years of wearing and washing. Its also the shirt he was wearing the day he passed away.)

We had Tysons nieces, Bella & Olivia, over to spend the night a week before Tyson passed away. This was the first time any of our nieces or nephews had spent the night at the home we gutted and built as a family. We had fun walking Morgan around the block, playing games & puzzles, watching Ice Age and most importantly... vanilla ice cream (Tysons was mostly Whipped Cream). So thankful for this picture that Tysons sister blew up and has in her upstairs loft.

Tyson played Basketball most Wednesday nights with a group of friends. For the first time I brought my camera to one of his games to practice action shots. This game turned out the be his last game as well as his last night here on earth. I took many pictures that game but the one that became and will be forever my favorite picture of him is below. He was watching other players warm up before the game and something made him laugh. It so perfectly him. He laughs with his whole face and body, you can see it in the crows feet he had at 28 years of age. I just love it to pieces... Im thankful that I have the last picture ever taken of Tyson. I took it with the camera he insisted I buy so that I could pursue a passion and love for photography.

I made a personal list of things I am thankful for this summer to help me stay positive in my darkest hours, but these help get me through most days. I love looking at pictures of his smile. They are bitter-sweet, but more sweet than bitter.

First Engagement Session!

Ok so I'm so excited. Photography is just a hobby for now and I'm so excited to continue learning all I can to improve and take better pictures. However, my first real step towards turning this new found love into more than a hobby came recently. A wonderful couple named Jessica and Bruce asked if I would take some engagement pictures. Jessica is a good friend of my cousin Natalia and has the most gorgeous eyes which excited me beyond belief. Bruce was super shy at first and played the whole "I don't know what to do, you'll have to tell me what to do card". By the end of the session he was suggesting poses and really getting into it.

I met with them recently at "The Anti Mall" in Costa Mesa. Its exactly what it sounds like, the opposite of an indoor mall. Its fun and free flowing with tons of artistic decor and fun stores. It even has a store where you can trade in clothes for new ones if you feel like switching up your wordrobe. I took some great shots and I am still sorting through them. I probably over snapped just to make sure I had plenty to work with...

Ill continue to going through them tonight but here are a few...